This Morning

In the dream I woke up from this morning I was standing in awe of the King of Kings before whom I worshiped (namatsagaan—currently my favorite Thai word—means worship). I was lost in the sense of His powerful presence and floored by the unconditional love He poured out on me. When I awoke, however, I was faced once again with the reality of a challenging situation staring me down, and all sensations of awe quickly left me, while those of dread crept in. God how am I going to deal with this? I need grace. I wanted to complain; how rude to be awakened from His presence to the harsh reality of life on earth.

But then God spoke Truth, and reminded me that His power and goodness remain although the dream is gone: “Julie, I have given you everything you need for life and godliness. You already possess the tools to overcome and to do so with grace. Just keep your eyes riveted on Me and remember the mercy that I daily show you. Let that be your example to follow.”

There is never any arguing with that. Ok, Lord. Here goes….

In Everything Give Thanks

Tonight the house smells spicy. Pumpkin pies are (slowly!) baking in the toaster oven after two of my teammates and I decided that we couldn't have Thanksgiving without pies. We went on a wild goose chase through the grocery stores to find the necessary ingredients, but tomorrow we will Lord-willing be eating both pumpkin and apple pies (my first time making them!). It is my first Thanksgiving away from home, but the Lord has been gracious to me. Although I miss my family and long for them, I am so excited to have the experience of sharing a Thanksgiving meal with 9 of my wonderful friends in Thailand.

We are all coming together to make this meal possible (and spending way more money than we anticipated!), and are equally excited about this day to give thanks for the many blessings that the Lord has faithfully and lavishly given.

A short list of things I am thankful for tonight, Thanksgiving Eve:

• my Thai friends
• fresh flowers from my good friend at the market
• the way the Lord has blessed my relationships with locals
• a wonderful, loving, supportive team
• Daddy Richard who speaks to me the words of the Father
• the ability to buy food to make an American Thanksgiving meal
• my family back home who is fully supportive of me and the call the Lord has placed on me
• the people who do not forget me before the Lord, interceding on my behalf
• cold season (so I sweat a little less)
• grace to learn this overwhelming language
• my baby niece
• my sister Heather who encourages me daily
• Jesus' work for me on the cross--did you know, it is finished!?
• sanctification
• MERCY
• challenging situations (and people) that push me to grow in intimacy with the Savior and to love as He loves
• every spiritual blessing
• the ability to love and feel deeply
  
• my wonderful, abundant life (yeah... that one just kinda sums up everything :))

Ok, so the short list became kinda long. But honestly, once you start being thankful, it's hard to stop. I hope that you find yourself having the same problem. :)

Go under his ever abiding, all encompassing mercy,

Jules

Running the Mountain

Several weeks ago, I decided to make for myself a goal that would be by no means easily attained. For a few years now I have been running on a consistent basis, and I enjoy running especially when I have a goal in mind. My goal this time around: run up Doi Suthep--one of Chiang Mai's tallest mountains at 5,499 feet. I have never run on inclines, save for the sparse hills in Florida and Minnesota both, so this is a new adventure for sure. I have been training for a few weeks now and have seen definite improvement in my performance, but it is a hard goal to press forward in. I enjoy (okay, I'll be honest--when my alarm goes off at 6am for my mountain runs, I cringe knowing what is to come) my times on the mountain, but the after affects are painful (talk about being sore!). I know this goal won't be attained anytime too soon, but I am looking forward to the day when I can look out over Chiang Mai from the top of the mountain, knowing that my own two feet carried me there.

I feel like in my spiritual life lately I have been running up a mountain as well. I give time and energy to my walk with the Lord and only very slowly do I see changes in my behavior and responses. I have a goal, and that is Christ. I am perseverant; I refuse to give up before the goal is attained no matter what the cost and no matter how long it takes. I want to be conformed to the image of Christ, and if it means running up a mountain, so be it. I will run.

"For I live only to see Your face, so shine on me"

Stopping for Beauty

They are setting off lanterns again tonight for the beginning of Loi Kratong. All around the city strings of lanterns rise from the ground, creating ever shifting constellations as they dance through the night sky. The full moon—marker for the beginning of the festival—lights the perfectly clear heavens. I’m ignoring my homework, mesmerized by the new stars that have taken their places among the galaxies. If only the real stars always looked like this—so clear and bright; but then I would probably never get anything done. The Lord knows what a gift to me His sky is. It pays to have a third floor bedroom window towards the Ping River, because I can witness everything that happens in the night sky from my desk chair. It’s early November, but the festivities remind me of winter time, so I am contentedly listening to the old classics like Frankie and Perry Como sing me Christmas songs.

I stop for beauty. I’m beginning to realize that. Beauty is worth stopping for… I take great delight in it. The Lord takes delight in my delight of it as well. He created beauty to be appreciated and not to be glanced at as I rush on with my life. He created me to appreciate the things that He has made beautiful, to be okay with stopping in the midst of life in order to live.

Get This!

This is what Jesus told me He would do tonight:

He's gonna make me new =)

{..........................}

I don't know how to describe the state I am in at the moment. So many thoughts... so many desires...

I trust you, Jesus, I trust You...

For two weeks now I have been tormented by memories that I thought I had forgotten. Off and on they have plagued my mind, coming unbidden into my thoughts, and have caused unwanted desires to well up in my heart. I have found contentedness in the Lord and in the season I am in, and these memories seek to draw me out of that and give me a restless, aching heart instead. I will not have it, but how do I fight it? I am under attack and in need of prayer.

Did the apostle Paul keep a journal?

I'm a missionary. And I don't feel like a missionary. Never in my life have I felt so unsure of myself, so unsure of my knowledge about God, so unsure of my purpose, so unsure of the words I speak and the things I do.... each moment I am walking blindly... and it is terrifying. At moments like these I want to know if the apostle Paul felt this way. He is my idea of a missionary... but surely he must have struggled as I am. He was under attack as I am. I wish I could read what went on in his thoughts, to know that I am not the only one feeling this way.

Here I go, back to the beginning...

I feel like I am relearning all that I have learned in the past. All the sanctification I thought had been achieved now appears to be lost as I struggle to love just once without thinking of myself. I am the queen of selfish thoughts, words, and actions. It is disgusting. My heart is so full of darkness.

Yet somehow He still loves me, and desires me, and calls me beautiful...

I can't understand this work of grace. I am entirely astounded, and confused. Why am I confused? I have known this God since I was a child. His favor has surrounded me like a shield. Why does it confuse me now?

God help me to understand what You have done and who You say I am. These things do not define me... You define me.

Redefine me, oh God.