Six Months of Silence

As dearly as I love to write, the last 6 months have been some of the quietest of my writing life. It's not that there has been no inspiration; it's just that sometimes inspiration manifests itself in living life rather than writing about it. The last six months have been full of dreams, and full of reality. I've learned more about myself than I ever thought possible (isn't it funny how sometimes we think we've learned all there is to know about ourselves?). I've been up, down, inside out, a wreck, a joy-filled beauty, and all in all, by God's grace--still His daughter and friend.

Life is good.

As a writer, I journal often. Not enough, but more often than never. Sometimes I like to look back on my journal from the previous year and read the entry I wrote 365 days ago. I did that tonight, and found this...

First, context. I was living in Thailand, studying and working. If you've followed any of my journey from the last year, you understand what I was experiencing to a point (if not, go read the archives). In this particular journal entry from July 15, 2012, I was considering the men in my life and the men in the society around me...

It is moments like this when it seems next to impossible that there could be a man who walks worthy of his calling in Christ that could walk alongside of me. Though it is something I dearly want, I am almost past the point of praying for that man to come, because I feel more and more that it is more likely that I will walk solo on this journey. "Though none go with me, still I will follow". My life has been consecrated to Christ, and He is the one I will pursue -- no matter what.

Now, a year later, I sit with a ring on my left hand, having given my word to marry the man who has loved me almost as long as he has known me. In less than 6 months, Lord willing, I will be a married woman -- the wife of a man who does walk worthy of his calling in Christ. And I cry thinking about it--about the goodness of God that He would see fit to give me such a good gift. I am undeserving. Though I almost lost faith that God could provide a man to walk alongside of me--and for me to walk alongside of--He has still seen fit to grant the desire of my heart.

This line from the old hymn has been in my mind and heart all day long.... "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided."




Great is Thy faithfulness.

Today

 Today in chapel Kayla and I ended up praying together for Thailand... it was a beautiful time of desperate cries before the Lord on behalf of the people we both love. I've been melancholy and tired all day since then, missing it all and so longing to be able to give my life to seeing the Good News come to Thailand. All in good time, sweet Jules. Remember to find contentment in God's place for you today.

 Today is Bloomington, MN at -2 degrees F. Today is homework and diligence in the things that are necessary. Today is loving and listening through sadness and exhaustion. Today is a sore throat and hot tea to soothe it. Today is feeling God's heart for the people I love while away from them for a season. Today is new mercies and unfailing love. Today is good.

Re-Entry: On Sadness

I'm back in the States after 16 months of living in Thailand, and learning how to re-enter into the life I knew a year and a half ago, facing the challenges that come with it. I wrote this in my journal last night:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

 That quote just came to mind after my tears finally stopped tonight. The sadness is heaviest tonight; I've been inconsolable by my precious family who hates to see me so sad. I hate to be so sad, but I know I must grieve. If I do not allow myself to feel the pain of leaving behind a part of my life that I'll never get back again, it will be worse for me later on, and I might make rash decisions based on emotions rather than the leading of the Lord. I needed to cry tonight -- to really feel the pain out. I think that my siblings were disappointed that they couldn't cheer me up, and that I didn't want them to try; they said that maybe they felt like they weren't good enough. This has nothing to do with them, but of course they can't really understand that. Satan would have me believe that feeling such sadness is wrong, and that I should feel guilty for it. No! It's not wrong -- it's part of what I must face and walk through.

 I loved. I loved hard. I loved the people, the culture, the language, the food, the imperfections. I made myself vulnerable because I loved deeply. Now I'm feeling the affects of that vulnerability, and it's good. If I were not sad, my whole life in Thailand would have been a fraud.

It's okay to feel, Jules.

And after the deep cries, remember your God and find your contentment in Him. Give thanks to Him for where He has brought you today.

Your life has been ordained by infinite love and mercy....

"Only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6

Saturday Night

*Not an easy read....*

It's easy to feel discouraged when the girl who you've spent the last several months befriending and loving is pole dancing--leaving nothing to the imagination of the man she is swaying over. Literally, there was nothing that needed to be imagined. He didn't ask for the show, she gave it freely. No, she'll tell you, she doesn't like her job; but when you're out with her in the mall and a handsome stranger walks by, her words are blunt: "I want to f--- him."

Some people might say I'm wasting my time with her.

And honestly, in those moments of trying not to watch her display her entire body in an exotic dance in the bar, there is the temptation to feel like I have wasted my time. "Maybe these past 8 months really have been for nothing". The quiet lies are easy to believe.

But my time hasn't been wasted. I know it. I have not spent 8 months loving her with my own human messy love--I've been loving her with the endless, limitless, measureless love of the Almighty God, and that love changes lives. So whether I get to see her respond to that love or not, I know that it doesn't just fall into oblivion. I believe God's love doesn't return void.

I'm still praying that she'll find the True Love that she is longing for.

the home dilemma

Why must home exist in two places?

across cultures

across languages

across oceans

Why must I leave home

to go home?

across borders

across time zones

across understandings

Why must I leave loved ones

to find loved ones?

Why must home exist on

two sides of one planet?

oh that this world could be brought into that world

or that world brought into this one

If only home and home could coincide.

Thoughts on the Remaining Five

I have five weeks remaining to drive the exhaust-drenched streets of Chiang Mai, and I'm worn out by warring emotions of joy and sorrow at the prospect of leaving Thailand. My dreams at night are starting to focus on my arrival home. My thoughts during the day are also often of the future and what awaits me in the next season of life. At the same time the thought of leaving behind dear friends here is a very painful one; I hate goodbyes. I don't want to "check out" because there is yet work to be done, life to be lived, and love to be extended. My time here is not over yet. But I also feel like I've done a lot of things "wrong", or at least could have done them better, and I just would rather start all over than try to repair what's been broken. I want a clean slate, and sometimes, life in America looks like a clean slate to me.

 I so often don't feel "cut out" for missionary life for the rest of my days, but God uses the weak to shame the strong, and I am most definitely a weak vessel. Simple obedience and courageous willingness are all that the Lord needs from me -- not wisdom or talent or a more intriguing personality. He knew exactly who I was when He called me, with all my quirks and weaknesses. He is not surprised or disappointed with who I've "turned out to be". I am enough in Him.

Morning Thoughts

It's Wednesday morning. Coffee is brewing. The first batch of banana and chocolate chip muffins are in the (toaster) oven. Jesus music is playing. Rain is falling and the house is humid. My throat is sore this morning, but I'm trusting the Lord for a quick recovery and meantime I'm flushing my body with gallons of water.

My thoughts are numerous today, and I'm not sure where to begin, or if I even should. I haven't had much time to process things lately, to write down my thoughts and feel clarity once again organize the mess of jumbled emotions and ideas in my mind. Last night I went to bed exhausted but unable to sleep, my thoughts running to and fro across my mind and across the world. I was angered by the reality of the red light district--having just spent an evening in a bar visiting my friends. I was distressed by sentimental emotions, remembering and missing someone who I thought was going to be in my life forever, who now is not in it at all. Just those feelings alone were enough to cause tears to find my pillow in the darkness.

I'm not sure how to deal with all the things that I see and feel on a daily basis. But I know from experience that His grace is sufficient, so I am not allowing my emotions to run my life, but instead trusting that He cares for me so my burdens are being cast on Him this morning.

That being said, it's time to check the muffins. And take a shower. Clarity will have to wait for another day, but at least I have a wonderful Guide to lead me through this Wednesday with perfect faithfulness.