It's a glorious late October afternoon in Bloomington, MN--the sun is shining and there is a lovely wind scattering the falling (and fallen) leaves. Today I am baking apple pie (what better thing to do on a fall day, right?) before my shift at work tonight. I've always loved to bake, but while I was in Thailand I didn't have much opportunity (we only had a toaster oven...which is not the easiest to bake in--though I did manage to make pies, muffins, and cakes in that faithful little guy). Now that I am back in the US and have access to an oven (at Matt's apartment), I've once again been baking to my delight (and Matt's). Baking has become my form of relaxing on the weekends. So while the pie bakes, I blog.
The Lord convicted me earlier this week about the focus of my life lately. I'm in a season of preparation for the future; the fact of my upcoming marriage naturally puts me into a mindset of planning for what is to come, which is good. However, I've gotten caught up by it all, but not in the way you might think. I'm in no way going crazy over wedding preparations, which is what everyone always asks about: "so how are wedding plans coming along?" It's nice of you to ask, but it's really not been my focus the last few months. I've been thinking a little bit beyond the wedding -- namely, are we going to be able to survive?? We been saving money for the future, and the Lord has really blessed us in doing so; in the last two weeks God has provided us with two things that we were very much in need of. But I've still managed to allow myself to be tangled up in worries about what is coming. Will we have all that we need for an apartment? Will we be able to afford the first month after the wedding since we'll have been on vacation and not making money? Will we be able to pay off debts? What if something happens to our car or one of us gets sick and we can't afford to pay the bills? So many thoughts that I've been letting rule my mind!
Last Sunday afternoon God began to reveal to me that my life lately has been about too many worries, and too little purpose. The line from an Audra Lynn song came to my mind this morning: "I don't want to get caught in the struggle of begging for my bread to survive -- because there's a better pursuit for my efforts."
In the midst of my worries, I've been forsaking a lot of good things. I haven't been spending much time reading God's Word, I haven't been spending time building up the body of Christ, and I haven't been intentional about using my time and resources to bless others or look for opportunities to give testimony to unbelievers of the goodness of God in my life. I've been so caught up in trying to make sure my husband and I will be able to survive and live comfortably in a couple months that I haven't been on the lookout for opportunities to do so many more important things! Perhaps my focus shouldn't at all be on trying to live comfortably. God reminded me of the truth found in Psalm 37:25 this morning: "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread." Well, I'm still young, but even in my 24 years I have never lacked anything that I have ever needed. Is that a testimony to the goodness and faithfulness of God? I think so!!!!
I want you (whoever is reading this) to pray for me, because I do not want to write this down and turn around and start worrying again. I was made for more than that; I have an important purpose that I can distract myself from if I am not careful. Pray that I would be intentional in all I do, and instead of worrying, that I would spend my days thanking God for all of his GOOD gifts! Also, read all of Psalm 37. It is a beautiful reminder of the way God watches over his righteous ones.
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