a night off

Four twenty found me bounding out of the office, squinting in the bright sunshine and loving the spring weather that took two months too long to arrive. By 4:35 I was making my way down the trails by the Minnesota river, my too-small bike--a hand-me-down--bouncing along the packed dirt and over exposed tree roots. It felt so good to be out. At first I had my headphones in, but soon enough I took them out, finding that the sounds of nature were the best soundtrack to a spring bike ride.

I've been working too much lately, and have had little time for physical activity. This was my first night in 7 days that I hadn't worked my second job. I'd forgotten what an evening off looks like. It looks like a trail ride by the river, weaving through trees at speeds my mother wouldn't approve of. It looks like heating up leftovers from Easter for dinner (because who wants to cook on their first night off?). It looks like doing laundry… because it had to get done. It looks like a quiet house, open windows, and gentle breezes as I actually have time to think, pray, and consider the purpose of my life in the stillness.

And that's where you find me, sitting at my kitchen table, pondering what my life is to be about. Pray that I find answers. In the meantime, I think I'll eat some apple pie and ice cream. Because it's my night off.

days

I wonder if the neighbors can hear me in the morning. Lately, between the time my husband leaves for work and when I do (usually about 20 minutes), I’ve been turning my house into a concert hall for… well, mostly for Josh Garrels. I’ll turn the speakers up loud, hit shuffle, and continue my morning routine while Josh and I praise the Lord together. It’s exhilarating. It’s enthusiasm-building. It helps prepare me for whatever I will face in the day to come.

Afternoons are mostly a drag. By two or three I’m tired of staring at a computer screen, feeling my brain cells dissipating before my eyes (or at least it feels like it; and no, I’m not being dramatic).  Pleasant afternoons in the office are afternoons when I feel full of purpose—like if I weren’t there some very important work would go undone. That doesn’t happen often, but God calls us to remain faithful in the little things, not just when we feel like we’re changing the world.

I spend my evenings laughing with my older friends—all of whom are probably about 50 years my senior. In other words, I’m a waitress at an assisted living home—and I love it. What’s not to enjoy about hearing Harold tell you how the food would be ‘back on the farm,’ or watching Bill—who used to play for the MN Vikings—crack a wry, rare smile when he finds himself funny? The ladies will comment on my beautiful skin: ‘like peaches and cream,’ they’ll say, and I’ll scold them when they try to convince me that because they are wrinkled and grey they are not beautiful anymore. “What do you mean you’re not beautiful? Of course you are. Look, you’re still smiling, which tells me that you’ve not let the pressures and stresses of life make you bitter. That is beautiful.” Some argue, some look at me with gratefulness in their eyes.

All day, Josh Garrels has been in my head, which means all day I’ve been unintentionally singing to the Lord. I like it when thoughts of Jesus get stuck in my head without me trying. ;) My husband and I will turn in together, as I love, and tomorrow will be the same, only so much different. I am blessed.

Undisturbed

Marriage is exponentially more difficult than singleness. I'm still getting used to another person having the power to affect me in such a way as I now experience. Perhaps I am exposing my own weakness in even allowing myself to be so effected by another's words, moods or unintended non-verbal communication.

All week I have been thinking of the "beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."  I'm finding it challenging to remain unaffected by less than perfect circumstances. But why should they derail me, agitate me, change my good mood? The Greek word for quiet in 1 Peter 3:4 is hesychios, a word derived from hedraios, which means 'firm, immovable, steadfast -- of those who are fixed in purpose.' It also means 'sitting or sedentary.' Peter describes a picture of a calmness of heart--not getting worked up--but being set on a purpose and immovable in that. It reminds me of a line I used to quote from Jane Eyre--who's author quoted it from Thomas Moore: "sitting in sunshine, calm and sweet."

My husband--a good man--doesn't always do things the way that I want him to, but that is no reason to become agitated. It is when he doesn't do things "right" that I have the opportunity to display the kind of beauty that the Lord loves. Thus is the gentle and quiet spirit. The undisturbed one, though tumultuous storms may roar around her, remains unmoved within them.

Identity of a Mrs. {part III}

Last time I wrote, I was still a couple months away from my wedding day; now it's 26 days in the past! I would love to say it's been 'wedded bliss', but I think whoever made up that term was lying, because I'm pretty sure that if two humans marry each other, it'll not exactly be blissful. Don't get me wrong though, I'm loving the commitment that I've made to my husband, even though it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I kinda knew that's how it would be. A friend recently asked me on a scale  from 1 to 10 how marriage was; I gave it a 7. When she asked why it wasn't a ten I explained that I'm learning a whole lot about myself in this marriage, and it's been difficult to come to grips with some of it, because honestly, it's kind of ugly.

A week or so ago I wrote the following in my journal, after a 'rough' night. It's just a glimpse into what I'm learning on this hard but worthwhile journey:

I'm not good at not being good at things. I'm a perfectionist; when I don't perform well at any given task I take it as a hit against the whole of who I am. I'm coming to realize this more as a wife--there are more things for me to fail at because I am doing more things that directly affect another person. Last night I didn't do so well at something, and felt as a result like a failure, and that my husband wasn't pleased with me. That's the thing--pleasing. I'm a pleaser, and if I feel I've disappointed, my whole world crumbles. What a devastatingly dangerous identity to cling to.

My mama was sharing with me the other day what she was learning in Sunday School class about the difference between pleasing God and trusting Him. "I want to please God" sounds good, but it always comes down to what we do instead of relying on the character of God and resting in the trust of His Word.

It's the same with my husband; I want to please him, but that's reliant on my doing something well, rather than trusting that he loves me even when I'm not doing my best. Do I trust him when he says that he still loves me? Do I trust that he means what he says when he tells me he wouldn't change a thing about me -- all when I haven't performed well? If I can learn to trust his character instead of be consumed by my failure, I will blossom into a confident and peace-filled wife.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who so beautifully reflects your character to me.

Never Forsaken

It's a glorious late October afternoon in Bloomington, MN--the sun is shining and there is a lovely wind scattering the falling (and fallen) leaves. Today I am baking apple pie (what better thing to do on a fall day, right?) before my shift at work tonight. I've always loved to bake, but while I was in Thailand I didn't have much opportunity (we only had a toaster oven...which is not the easiest to bake in--though I did manage to make pies, muffins, and cakes in that faithful little guy). Now that I am back in the US and have access to an oven (at Matt's apartment), I've once again been baking to my delight (and Matt's). Baking has become my form of relaxing on the weekends. So while the pie bakes, I blog.

The Lord convicted me earlier this week about the focus of my life lately. I'm in a season of preparation for the future; the fact of my upcoming marriage naturally puts me into a mindset of planning for what is to come, which is good. However, I've gotten caught up by it all, but not in the way you might think. I'm in no way going crazy over wedding preparations, which is what everyone always asks about: "so how are wedding plans coming along?" It's nice of you to ask, but it's really not been my focus the last few months. I've been thinking a little bit beyond the wedding -- namely, are we going to be able to survive?? We been saving money for the future, and the Lord has really blessed us in doing so; in the last two weeks God has provided us with two things that we were very much in need of. But I've still managed to allow myself to be tangled up in worries about what is coming. Will we have all that we need for an apartment? Will we be able to afford the first month after the wedding since we'll have been on vacation and not making money? Will we be able to pay off debts? What if something happens to our car or one of us gets sick and we can't afford to pay the bills? So many thoughts that I've been letting rule my mind!

Last Sunday afternoon God began to reveal to me that my life lately has been about too many worries, and too little purpose. The line from an Audra Lynn song came to my mind this morning: "I don't want to get caught in the struggle of begging for my bread to survive -- because there's a better pursuit for my efforts."

In the midst of my worries, I've been forsaking a lot of good things. I haven't been spending much time reading God's Word, I haven't been spending time building up the body of Christ, and I haven't been intentional about using my time and resources to bless others or look for opportunities to give testimony to unbelievers of the goodness of God in my life. I've been so caught up in trying to make sure my husband and I will be able to survive and live comfortably in a couple months that I haven't been on the lookout for opportunities to do so many more important things! Perhaps my focus shouldn't at all be on trying to live comfortably. God reminded me of the truth found in Psalm 37:25 this morning: "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread." Well, I'm still young, but even in my 24 years I have never lacked anything that I have ever needed. Is that a testimony to the goodness and faithfulness of God? I think so!!!!

I want you (whoever is reading this) to pray for me, because I do not want to write this down and turn around and start worrying again. I was made for more than that; I have an important purpose that I can distract myself from if I am not careful. Pray that I would be intentional in all I do, and instead of worrying, that I would spend my days thanking God for all of his GOOD gifts! Also, read all of Psalm 37. It is a beautiful reminder of the way God watches over his righteous ones.

The Identity of a Mrs. {Part II}

I'm not as perfect as I thought I was.

I'm sure we've all sat in the church service where the pastor is talking about how as he's sharing his message, you're hoping your spouse is paying attention, because they really need to hear it. I've sat through many services like that, always wondering if, when the time came, I would think that same thing about my spouse.

Well, surprise! I'm just like all of you. I too have hoped that my (almost) spouse is paying attention in the service, because naturally, I've got it all together, but he really needs to work on some things.

Ha.

You know what the amazing thing is, though? I'm marrying a very humble man. I'm marrying a man who is listening in the service, and who afterwards tells me there are things that he needs to work on. Gosh. Do you know how humbling that is? Because all of a sudden I get slapped in the face with the thought "Julie, are you paying attention to the message? Are you paying attention to God's voice? Are you willing to see the things He want to change in you?"

For some reason, it's a lot easier to see all the things that someone else needs to change, instead of what you should work on in your own life. This is one thing that I am coming to discover more and more as I walk towards the altar (67 days!!!). Even as I can so easily see all the things that Matt should do differently, I am likewise seeing the nasty things within myself that God wants to change, that, if I were not preparing for marriage right now, I probably wouldn't be seeing.

This is a hard, but glorious and necessary part of marriage. It's how God designed it. My daily challenge now when I catch myself hoping for change in Matt, is to look inward and ask if I am walking with the integrity that I am insisting that he walk with. Do I meet up with my own standard? Am I falling short in some area that I'm not paying attention to because I'm focused on the flaws in my man?

In all honesty I am really, really amazed by Matt. He continually surprises me with his sensitivity to the Lord. He makes mistakes, and sometimes he makes them very boldly. But I have never known someone who is so willing to humble himself when he has done something wrong and make it right. It's what I needed--an example of humility--to teach me how to be humble and willing to see myself with all my imperfections so that I can grow into who God wants me to be.


Thank you, Matthew.

Thoughts on the Identity of a Mrs.

I have decided that fall is officially the best season. Especially this fall. Never before have I experienced such wonderful colors, perfect temperatures, and overall glory of nature. Today is a blustery day. A colorful day. A day of both blue skies and grey. It's also a day off for me, so naturally, it's a good day.

My life lately has been full, and my mind likewise has been full of thoughts, to which I am trying to put words. Articulation is an art form, and sometimes it stays far from me. I hope to write more often in the next few weeks, finally trying to give form to the ideas that I have been mulling over in my head.

I'll start with this one first:

I'm 79 days away from saying "I do" to the man I love. I've been engaged to Matt  for 4 months, have been dating him for 7, and have known him for 35. Time brings lots of changes, and I'm grateful for all of them, even though sometimes on this journey I've begged God that life be different than how it is, because let's be honest--walking towards marriage is hard. One thing that I've been realizing recently is that my identity is, once again, changing. I'm in the process of going from being a strong, independent, single woman, to being a strong, independent, married woman. I'm not married yet, but I'm starting to think as if I were. Instead of thinking about what I can make myself for dinner, I think about what I can make myself and Matt for dinner. Instead of making plans for the weekend on my own, I'm learning to consult my man. We've been saving our money for things that together we will purchase. It's been fun, but it's a change. I'm having to train myself to think differently, behave differently, and accept that no matter what, I am inextricably linking myself and aligning myself with this man, and that will change--for good or bad--the perception people have of me.

I'll no longer just be Julie. I'll be Julie, and my husband will be Matt. We are two people now, but we are quickly approaching the time when we will be one. I'm not saying that I'm going to lose my identity, become a totally different person, and forget who I am. Chill out. I'm still very much my own person with my own personality. Matt and I will shape each other, cause each other to grow in ways that we would not have grown on our own, and come to be more of a single entity than two individuals. Beautiful.

There will be A LOT of learning in this upcoming season. I have no doubt that being a god-fearing, capable, loving wife is one of the hardest things on earth to do.... but I've always liked a good challenge. =)