Warm and Happy Home

I have been having my worst parenting moments ever of my year plus of motherhood. Eloise started the week out sick, and it’s just gotten worse from there. My patience is not thin, it’s gone. I kicked a stuffed animal this morning. I know my anger is uncalled for and sinful but OH! I am struggling to overcome it. El is getting into everything. All. Day. Long. I want my vocabulary towards her to include more than “no”, “stop” or “don’t touch”. Timeout is too frequent for her, and I need timeout more than she does.

I bought a candle yesterday called “Warm and Happy Home”. In my mind I would light this candle and my house would smell wonderful, my husband would come home to a delicious dinner on the table, a baby who is playing contentedly, and a wife who is filled with adoration towards her family. I’ve been disappointed that those effects have not yet materialized.

Instead all I feel is frustration and I want someone to take my baby from me just for a day. Maybe even an hour. I’ve had three students interview me this week on spiritual disciplines and leadership, and I feel like this is probably the worst week of my life to be trying to tell someone what it looks like to walk out in spiritual ANYTHING.

Nobody tells you parenting is THIS hard.

reflections from a tired heart

I’ve been home five days now. They’ve been busy days, cloudy days, tired days. I’m worn out from wearing too many hats. I’m worn out from confusion, frustration. I want to curl up in bed and sleep away the tiredness, the feeling in my chest that I can’t get enough air.

I thought that when I got to Thailand it would feel like I had come home. It didn’t. Then I thought that when I got back to Minnesota it would feel like I had come home. It still didn’t.  Home isn’t here, and while there have been times in life when I have understood that, now isn’t one of those times. Isn’t it odd how sometimes we forget lessons we’ve already learned? I feel like I’m in a constant state of relearning, and for once I just want to have arrived…

going home

Emotions of enormous proportions were rising up in me last night. Matt and I were driving home after some errands, and I was thinking about our impending trip across the ocean as I gazed out the window. I couldn't help but feel, as I thought about returning to Thailand after an almost 19-month absence, that I was going home. I don't know quite why the thought was striking me so forcefully, so suddenly; but there it was, overwhelming me enough to cause tears in the corners of my eyes--the thought that in less than 3 weeks, I would be going home. Perhaps you've felt this feeling also--a feeling that doesn't quite compare to anything else in the world--that your heart will soon be where it belongs, or where it always has been, even if you've physically been elsewhere.

The months that I've been stateside have been…. overwhelming. So much has happened since flying back from Thailand on December 17, 2012, and I honestly don't think I've processed a lot of it. I arrived back to a "normal" American life, which I wasn't quite sure how to handle, and then life took about 27 sharp turns that I wasn't expecting, but I charged into them anyway. Now here I am--19 months later--married, stepping into new positions at work that I never envisioned, trying to figure out how to be a wife, an employee, a witness for Christ and His Kingdom, and live without the 4 women who have been my closest friends all my life. It's been…. challenging. And though I've had friends to help me through the changes, they've all happened so quickly that I don't think I've really worked through them. So then times happen like the one yesterday, when I finally take a moment to think about something in my life, and it hits me in a way I certainly didn't expect.

I have a feeling that the two weeks I will be in Thailand will be very emotional ones for me, so I would appreciate your prayers as I prepare. Pray for me that I actually would prepare my heart, because lately there hasn't been much of preparing anything except for dinner and rubrics. That probably makes no sense to you, but it's what consumes my life right now, and I'd like to get beyond it.

God is my shepherd. I won't be wanting.

25

I'm two days away from twenty-five. That used to sound old to me, and even now some days when I think about the fact that I live in Minnesota, work two part-time jobs, and have no idea what the rest of my life is going to look like, I freak out that I'm hitting a quarter of a century and still feel so clueless sometimes (not to mention I live in an icy barren wasteland [slight exaggeration]). But then I realize that my husband is 31 and pretty much in the same boat, so then I feel okay. Ha. Just kidding, baby.

I was a college student for six years of my recent life. You know what that means? It means I had a pretty solid direction for a good chunk of time (granted, I changed my direction halfway through college and thus added 2 more years on to the "plan"). The last couple years of college life were especially intense, so honestly I didn't give much thought to the fact that the yellow brick road I was on was quickly turning into gravel and mud. Aka, what the heck was next in life?? By some amazing "luck," (*grace/blessing/favor) I got married the year I graduated college, which was not in my plan, but was a very welcome turn of events. But now that means that instead of discovering what's next in life for me, I suddenly have to try to figure out what's next in life for me and another person. Whaaat? 

BUT, there is a plus side to having 2 people figure something out together--you make fewer dumb moves. At least, you hope you do. Two people with two ideas, two perspectives, two motives, and two beliefs that they are right makes for a fantastic (albeit, sometimes messy) equation to discovering what to do in life. Or, it means that you talk a lot about all your ideas and then still end up clueless. But I have faith that one day we'll get it right. Until then, we pray, we dream, we go for things until we end up at dead ends, and then we try something else--all while remaining faithful in the tasks before us (read: working multiple jobs, making dinner, cleaning the house, investing in relationships, studying the Word, and doing homework).

I guess what I'm trying to say is, life is good, and I'm really glad that I have someone to celebrate it with. I think that in another few years (or 50) I'll be able to look back on all our adventures and clueless, sleepless nights and be able to say that I lived well. So here's to 25, to life with Matthew, to being led by the Spirit of the living God, and muddy, messy roads which I am sure will lead to the most amazing views.

a night off

Four twenty found me bounding out of the office, squinting in the bright sunshine and loving the spring weather that took two months too long to arrive. By 4:35 I was making my way down the trails by the Minnesota river, my too-small bike--a hand-me-down--bouncing along the packed dirt and over exposed tree roots. It felt so good to be out. At first I had my headphones in, but soon enough I took them out, finding that the sounds of nature were the best soundtrack to a spring bike ride.

I've been working too much lately, and have had little time for physical activity. This was my first night in 7 days that I hadn't worked my second job. I'd forgotten what an evening off looks like. It looks like a trail ride by the river, weaving through trees at speeds my mother wouldn't approve of. It looks like heating up leftovers from Easter for dinner (because who wants to cook on their first night off?). It looks like doing laundry… because it had to get done. It looks like a quiet house, open windows, and gentle breezes as I actually have time to think, pray, and consider the purpose of my life in the stillness.

And that's where you find me, sitting at my kitchen table, pondering what my life is to be about. Pray that I find answers. In the meantime, I think I'll eat some apple pie and ice cream. Because it's my night off.

days

I wonder if the neighbors can hear me in the morning. Lately, between the time my husband leaves for work and when I do (usually about 20 minutes), I’ve been turning my house into a concert hall for… well, mostly for Josh Garrels. I’ll turn the speakers up loud, hit shuffle, and continue my morning routine while Josh and I praise the Lord together. It’s exhilarating. It’s enthusiasm-building. It helps prepare me for whatever I will face in the day to come.

Afternoons are mostly a drag. By two or three I’m tired of staring at a computer screen, feeling my brain cells dissipating before my eyes (or at least it feels like it; and no, I’m not being dramatic).  Pleasant afternoons in the office are afternoons when I feel full of purpose—like if I weren’t there some very important work would go undone. That doesn’t happen often, but God calls us to remain faithful in the little things, not just when we feel like we’re changing the world.

I spend my evenings laughing with my older friends—all of whom are probably about 50 years my senior. In other words, I’m a waitress at an assisted living home—and I love it. What’s not to enjoy about hearing Harold tell you how the food would be ‘back on the farm,’ or watching Bill—who used to play for the MN Vikings—crack a wry, rare smile when he finds himself funny? The ladies will comment on my beautiful skin: ‘like peaches and cream,’ they’ll say, and I’ll scold them when they try to convince me that because they are wrinkled and grey they are not beautiful anymore. “What do you mean you’re not beautiful? Of course you are. Look, you’re still smiling, which tells me that you’ve not let the pressures and stresses of life make you bitter. That is beautiful.” Some argue, some look at me with gratefulness in their eyes.

All day, Josh Garrels has been in my head, which means all day I’ve been unintentionally singing to the Lord. I like it when thoughts of Jesus get stuck in my head without me trying. ;) My husband and I will turn in together, as I love, and tomorrow will be the same, only so much different. I am blessed.

Undisturbed

Marriage is exponentially more difficult than singleness. I'm still getting used to another person having the power to affect me in such a way as I now experience. Perhaps I am exposing my own weakness in even allowing myself to be so effected by another's words, moods or unintended non-verbal communication.

All week I have been thinking of the "beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit."  I'm finding it challenging to remain unaffected by less than perfect circumstances. But why should they derail me, agitate me, change my good mood? The Greek word for quiet in 1 Peter 3:4 is hesychios, a word derived from hedraios, which means 'firm, immovable, steadfast -- of those who are fixed in purpose.' It also means 'sitting or sedentary.' Peter describes a picture of a calmness of heart--not getting worked up--but being set on a purpose and immovable in that. It reminds me of a line I used to quote from Jane Eyre--who's author quoted it from Thomas Moore: "sitting in sunshine, calm and sweet."

My husband--a good man--doesn't always do things the way that I want him to, but that is no reason to become agitated. It is when he doesn't do things "right" that I have the opportunity to display the kind of beauty that the Lord loves. Thus is the gentle and quiet spirit. The undisturbed one, though tumultuous storms may roar around her, remains unmoved within them.

Identity of a Mrs. {part III}

Last time I wrote, I was still a couple months away from my wedding day; now it's 26 days in the past! I would love to say it's been 'wedded bliss', but I think whoever made up that term was lying, because I'm pretty sure that if two humans marry each other, it'll not exactly be blissful. Don't get me wrong though, I'm loving the commitment that I've made to my husband, even though it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I kinda knew that's how it would be. A friend recently asked me on a scale  from 1 to 10 how marriage was; I gave it a 7. When she asked why it wasn't a ten I explained that I'm learning a whole lot about myself in this marriage, and it's been difficult to come to grips with some of it, because honestly, it's kind of ugly.

A week or so ago I wrote the following in my journal, after a 'rough' night. It's just a glimpse into what I'm learning on this hard but worthwhile journey:

I'm not good at not being good at things. I'm a perfectionist; when I don't perform well at any given task I take it as a hit against the whole of who I am. I'm coming to realize this more as a wife--there are more things for me to fail at because I am doing more things that directly affect another person. Last night I didn't do so well at something, and felt as a result like a failure, and that my husband wasn't pleased with me. That's the thing--pleasing. I'm a pleaser, and if I feel I've disappointed, my whole world crumbles. What a devastatingly dangerous identity to cling to.

My mama was sharing with me the other day what she was learning in Sunday School class about the difference between pleasing God and trusting Him. "I want to please God" sounds good, but it always comes down to what we do instead of relying on the character of God and resting in the trust of His Word.

It's the same with my husband; I want to please him, but that's reliant on my doing something well, rather than trusting that he loves me even when I'm not doing my best. Do I trust him when he says that he still loves me? Do I trust that he means what he says when he tells me he wouldn't change a thing about me -- all when I haven't performed well? If I can learn to trust his character instead of be consumed by my failure, I will blossom into a confident and peace-filled wife.

Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who so beautifully reflects your character to me.

Never Forsaken

It's a glorious late October afternoon in Bloomington, MN--the sun is shining and there is a lovely wind scattering the falling (and fallen) leaves. Today I am baking apple pie (what better thing to do on a fall day, right?) before my shift at work tonight. I've always loved to bake, but while I was in Thailand I didn't have much opportunity (we only had a toaster oven...which is not the easiest to bake in--though I did manage to make pies, muffins, and cakes in that faithful little guy). Now that I am back in the US and have access to an oven (at Matt's apartment), I've once again been baking to my delight (and Matt's). Baking has become my form of relaxing on the weekends. So while the pie bakes, I blog.

The Lord convicted me earlier this week about the focus of my life lately. I'm in a season of preparation for the future; the fact of my upcoming marriage naturally puts me into a mindset of planning for what is to come, which is good. However, I've gotten caught up by it all, but not in the way you might think. I'm in no way going crazy over wedding preparations, which is what everyone always asks about: "so how are wedding plans coming along?" It's nice of you to ask, but it's really not been my focus the last few months. I've been thinking a little bit beyond the wedding -- namely, are we going to be able to survive?? We been saving money for the future, and the Lord has really blessed us in doing so; in the last two weeks God has provided us with two things that we were very much in need of. But I've still managed to allow myself to be tangled up in worries about what is coming. Will we have all that we need for an apartment? Will we be able to afford the first month after the wedding since we'll have been on vacation and not making money? Will we be able to pay off debts? What if something happens to our car or one of us gets sick and we can't afford to pay the bills? So many thoughts that I've been letting rule my mind!

Last Sunday afternoon God began to reveal to me that my life lately has been about too many worries, and too little purpose. The line from an Audra Lynn song came to my mind this morning: "I don't want to get caught in the struggle of begging for my bread to survive -- because there's a better pursuit for my efforts."

In the midst of my worries, I've been forsaking a lot of good things. I haven't been spending much time reading God's Word, I haven't been spending time building up the body of Christ, and I haven't been intentional about using my time and resources to bless others or look for opportunities to give testimony to unbelievers of the goodness of God in my life. I've been so caught up in trying to make sure my husband and I will be able to survive and live comfortably in a couple months that I haven't been on the lookout for opportunities to do so many more important things! Perhaps my focus shouldn't at all be on trying to live comfortably. God reminded me of the truth found in Psalm 37:25 this morning: "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread." Well, I'm still young, but even in my 24 years I have never lacked anything that I have ever needed. Is that a testimony to the goodness and faithfulness of God? I think so!!!!

I want you (whoever is reading this) to pray for me, because I do not want to write this down and turn around and start worrying again. I was made for more than that; I have an important purpose that I can distract myself from if I am not careful. Pray that I would be intentional in all I do, and instead of worrying, that I would spend my days thanking God for all of his GOOD gifts! Also, read all of Psalm 37. It is a beautiful reminder of the way God watches over his righteous ones.

The Identity of a Mrs. {Part II}

I'm not as perfect as I thought I was.

I'm sure we've all sat in the church service where the pastor is talking about how as he's sharing his message, you're hoping your spouse is paying attention, because they really need to hear it. I've sat through many services like that, always wondering if, when the time came, I would think that same thing about my spouse.

Well, surprise! I'm just like all of you. I too have hoped that my (almost) spouse is paying attention in the service, because naturally, I've got it all together, but he really needs to work on some things.

Ha.

You know what the amazing thing is, though? I'm marrying a very humble man. I'm marrying a man who is listening in the service, and who afterwards tells me there are things that he needs to work on. Gosh. Do you know how humbling that is? Because all of a sudden I get slapped in the face with the thought "Julie, are you paying attention to the message? Are you paying attention to God's voice? Are you willing to see the things He want to change in you?"

For some reason, it's a lot easier to see all the things that someone else needs to change, instead of what you should work on in your own life. This is one thing that I am coming to discover more and more as I walk towards the altar (67 days!!!). Even as I can so easily see all the things that Matt should do differently, I am likewise seeing the nasty things within myself that God wants to change, that, if I were not preparing for marriage right now, I probably wouldn't be seeing.

This is a hard, but glorious and necessary part of marriage. It's how God designed it. My daily challenge now when I catch myself hoping for change in Matt, is to look inward and ask if I am walking with the integrity that I am insisting that he walk with. Do I meet up with my own standard? Am I falling short in some area that I'm not paying attention to because I'm focused on the flaws in my man?

In all honesty I am really, really amazed by Matt. He continually surprises me with his sensitivity to the Lord. He makes mistakes, and sometimes he makes them very boldly. But I have never known someone who is so willing to humble himself when he has done something wrong and make it right. It's what I needed--an example of humility--to teach me how to be humble and willing to see myself with all my imperfections so that I can grow into who God wants me to be.


Thank you, Matthew.

Thoughts on the Identity of a Mrs.

I have decided that fall is officially the best season. Especially this fall. Never before have I experienced such wonderful colors, perfect temperatures, and overall glory of nature. Today is a blustery day. A colorful day. A day of both blue skies and grey. It's also a day off for me, so naturally, it's a good day.

My life lately has been full, and my mind likewise has been full of thoughts, to which I am trying to put words. Articulation is an art form, and sometimes it stays far from me. I hope to write more often in the next few weeks, finally trying to give form to the ideas that I have been mulling over in my head.

I'll start with this one first:

I'm 79 days away from saying "I do" to the man I love. I've been engaged to Matt  for 4 months, have been dating him for 7, and have known him for 35. Time brings lots of changes, and I'm grateful for all of them, even though sometimes on this journey I've begged God that life be different than how it is, because let's be honest--walking towards marriage is hard. One thing that I've been realizing recently is that my identity is, once again, changing. I'm in the process of going from being a strong, independent, single woman, to being a strong, independent, married woman. I'm not married yet, but I'm starting to think as if I were. Instead of thinking about what I can make myself for dinner, I think about what I can make myself and Matt for dinner. Instead of making plans for the weekend on my own, I'm learning to consult my man. We've been saving our money for things that together we will purchase. It's been fun, but it's a change. I'm having to train myself to think differently, behave differently, and accept that no matter what, I am inextricably linking myself and aligning myself with this man, and that will change--for good or bad--the perception people have of me.

I'll no longer just be Julie. I'll be Julie, and my husband will be Matt. We are two people now, but we are quickly approaching the time when we will be one. I'm not saying that I'm going to lose my identity, become a totally different person, and forget who I am. Chill out. I'm still very much my own person with my own personality. Matt and I will shape each other, cause each other to grow in ways that we would not have grown on our own, and come to be more of a single entity than two individuals. Beautiful.

There will be A LOT of learning in this upcoming season. I have no doubt that being a god-fearing, capable, loving wife is one of the hardest things on earth to do.... but I've always liked a good challenge. =)

Reflections on Autumn and Trust

The last expressions of summer are clinging to the tops of leaves and hanging still and warm in the humid September air, but autumn is fighting its way into the scene with its bits of red and yellow and forecasted cooler nights. Seasons are changing once again.

Two years ago on this day I was boarding a flight to Thailand where I would live for the next 16 months. It seems strange now how quickly that season came and went. I remember sitting in my house on a hot day in October, missing the colors of fall and wishing for sweaters and hot tea. This year I’ll get to experience them once again.

When I was in eighth grade, I thought that life would get easier and better as it went on. I now wonder what kind of things I was experiencing as a thirteen year old that would make me hope for an easier life! I wish that I could go back and tell my thirteen year old self what I have since learned. To quote a wise woman named Elaine: “Life doesn’t get any easier; but trusting Jesus does.”

Oh how many times I have experienced that! And yet so often I still hope for ‘easy’. I still wish for ‘better’. Jesus told us that life would be difficult: “In this world you will have trouble…” (John 16:33). It doesn’t get much clearer than that.

But Jesus didn’t end the conversation there. He didn’t say, “Yep, life is gonna suck, sorry! Good luck!” His next words are a call to us to trust Him: “take heart! be courageous! I have overcome the world.” In His triumph, we have victory as well, and in that we can hope. We can look at the trials, and the fact that life just isn’t getting easier, and know that in the end He still wins and thus so do we.

Trusting Jesus doesn’t naturally get any easier. It isn’t something we obtain as we sleep. It takes hard work, a lot of prayer, and repeatedly committing our lives into His hands and letting ourselves let go of control. It’s a choice, but it’s one that does get easier as we practice it. I think I need to practice it more, because life is tough and I find myself wishing things were easy more than asking God to help me trust Him.

Take heart, Jules. Be courageous! Your God is on your side, and what good things He has coming for you.

Six Months of Silence

As dearly as I love to write, the last 6 months have been some of the quietest of my writing life. It's not that there has been no inspiration; it's just that sometimes inspiration manifests itself in living life rather than writing about it. The last six months have been full of dreams, and full of reality. I've learned more about myself than I ever thought possible (isn't it funny how sometimes we think we've learned all there is to know about ourselves?). I've been up, down, inside out, a wreck, a joy-filled beauty, and all in all, by God's grace--still His daughter and friend.

Life is good.

As a writer, I journal often. Not enough, but more often than never. Sometimes I like to look back on my journal from the previous year and read the entry I wrote 365 days ago. I did that tonight, and found this...

First, context. I was living in Thailand, studying and working. If you've followed any of my journey from the last year, you understand what I was experiencing to a point (if not, go read the archives). In this particular journal entry from July 15, 2012, I was considering the men in my life and the men in the society around me...

It is moments like this when it seems next to impossible that there could be a man who walks worthy of his calling in Christ that could walk alongside of me. Though it is something I dearly want, I am almost past the point of praying for that man to come, because I feel more and more that it is more likely that I will walk solo on this journey. "Though none go with me, still I will follow". My life has been consecrated to Christ, and He is the one I will pursue -- no matter what.

Now, a year later, I sit with a ring on my left hand, having given my word to marry the man who has loved me almost as long as he has known me. In less than 6 months, Lord willing, I will be a married woman -- the wife of a man who does walk worthy of his calling in Christ. And I cry thinking about it--about the goodness of God that He would see fit to give me such a good gift. I am undeserving. Though I almost lost faith that God could provide a man to walk alongside of me--and for me to walk alongside of--He has still seen fit to grant the desire of my heart.

This line from the old hymn has been in my mind and heart all day long.... "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided."




Great is Thy faithfulness.

Today

 Today in chapel Kayla and I ended up praying together for Thailand... it was a beautiful time of desperate cries before the Lord on behalf of the people we both love. I've been melancholy and tired all day since then, missing it all and so longing to be able to give my life to seeing the Good News come to Thailand. All in good time, sweet Jules. Remember to find contentment in God's place for you today.

 Today is Bloomington, MN at -2 degrees F. Today is homework and diligence in the things that are necessary. Today is loving and listening through sadness and exhaustion. Today is a sore throat and hot tea to soothe it. Today is feeling God's heart for the people I love while away from them for a season. Today is new mercies and unfailing love. Today is good.

Re-Entry: On Sadness

I'm back in the States after 16 months of living in Thailand, and learning how to re-enter into the life I knew a year and a half ago, facing the challenges that come with it. I wrote this in my journal last night:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

 That quote just came to mind after my tears finally stopped tonight. The sadness is heaviest tonight; I've been inconsolable by my precious family who hates to see me so sad. I hate to be so sad, but I know I must grieve. If I do not allow myself to feel the pain of leaving behind a part of my life that I'll never get back again, it will be worse for me later on, and I might make rash decisions based on emotions rather than the leading of the Lord. I needed to cry tonight -- to really feel the pain out. I think that my siblings were disappointed that they couldn't cheer me up, and that I didn't want them to try; they said that maybe they felt like they weren't good enough. This has nothing to do with them, but of course they can't really understand that. Satan would have me believe that feeling such sadness is wrong, and that I should feel guilty for it. No! It's not wrong -- it's part of what I must face and walk through.

 I loved. I loved hard. I loved the people, the culture, the language, the food, the imperfections. I made myself vulnerable because I loved deeply. Now I'm feeling the affects of that vulnerability, and it's good. If I were not sad, my whole life in Thailand would have been a fraud.

It's okay to feel, Jules.

And after the deep cries, remember your God and find your contentment in Him. Give thanks to Him for where He has brought you today.

Your life has been ordained by infinite love and mercy....

"Only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6

Saturday Night

*Not an easy read....*

It's easy to feel discouraged when the girl who you've spent the last several months befriending and loving is pole dancing--leaving nothing to the imagination of the man she is swaying over. Literally, there was nothing that needed to be imagined. He didn't ask for the show, she gave it freely. No, she'll tell you, she doesn't like her job; but when you're out with her in the mall and a handsome stranger walks by, her words are blunt: "I want to f--- him."

Some people might say I'm wasting my time with her.

And honestly, in those moments of trying not to watch her display her entire body in an exotic dance in the bar, there is the temptation to feel like I have wasted my time. "Maybe these past 8 months really have been for nothing". The quiet lies are easy to believe.

But my time hasn't been wasted. I know it. I have not spent 8 months loving her with my own human messy love--I've been loving her with the endless, limitless, measureless love of the Almighty God, and that love changes lives. So whether I get to see her respond to that love or not, I know that it doesn't just fall into oblivion. I believe God's love doesn't return void.

I'm still praying that she'll find the True Love that she is longing for.

the home dilemma

Why must home exist in two places?

across cultures

across languages

across oceans

Why must I leave home

to go home?

across borders

across time zones

across understandings

Why must I leave loved ones

to find loved ones?

Why must home exist on

two sides of one planet?

oh that this world could be brought into that world

or that world brought into this one

If only home and home could coincide.

Thoughts on the Remaining Five

I have five weeks remaining to drive the exhaust-drenched streets of Chiang Mai, and I'm worn out by warring emotions of joy and sorrow at the prospect of leaving Thailand. My dreams at night are starting to focus on my arrival home. My thoughts during the day are also often of the future and what awaits me in the next season of life. At the same time the thought of leaving behind dear friends here is a very painful one; I hate goodbyes. I don't want to "check out" because there is yet work to be done, life to be lived, and love to be extended. My time here is not over yet. But I also feel like I've done a lot of things "wrong", or at least could have done them better, and I just would rather start all over than try to repair what's been broken. I want a clean slate, and sometimes, life in America looks like a clean slate to me.

 I so often don't feel "cut out" for missionary life for the rest of my days, but God uses the weak to shame the strong, and I am most definitely a weak vessel. Simple obedience and courageous willingness are all that the Lord needs from me -- not wisdom or talent or a more intriguing personality. He knew exactly who I was when He called me, with all my quirks and weaknesses. He is not surprised or disappointed with who I've "turned out to be". I am enough in Him.

Morning Thoughts

It's Wednesday morning. Coffee is brewing. The first batch of banana and chocolate chip muffins are in the (toaster) oven. Jesus music is playing. Rain is falling and the house is humid. My throat is sore this morning, but I'm trusting the Lord for a quick recovery and meantime I'm flushing my body with gallons of water.

My thoughts are numerous today, and I'm not sure where to begin, or if I even should. I haven't had much time to process things lately, to write down my thoughts and feel clarity once again organize the mess of jumbled emotions and ideas in my mind. Last night I went to bed exhausted but unable to sleep, my thoughts running to and fro across my mind and across the world. I was angered by the reality of the red light district--having just spent an evening in a bar visiting my friends. I was distressed by sentimental emotions, remembering and missing someone who I thought was going to be in my life forever, who now is not in it at all. Just those feelings alone were enough to cause tears to find my pillow in the darkness.

I'm not sure how to deal with all the things that I see and feel on a daily basis. But I know from experience that His grace is sufficient, so I am not allowing my emotions to run my life, but instead trusting that He cares for me so my burdens are being cast on Him this morning.

That being said, it's time to check the muffins. And take a shower. Clarity will have to wait for another day, but at least I have a wonderful Guide to lead me through this Wednesday with perfect faithfulness.

Smells I will Miss

Last month, I wrote a list of things that I will miss seeing when I leave Thailand. Living in a different culture means that everyday sights, smells and sounds are entirely different from things I experience in the US. I love my life in Thailand; this has truly become a home to me, and I will miss it tremendously when I return home to the states. For now, here is a list of things that I enjoy smelling each day I live my life in Thailand, and that I will miss when I depart in two months....

-rice cooking on my morning runs
-spices that catch in your throat and cause a whole restaurant full of people to start coughing
-fried squid (okay... I lied, this is one smell I will NOT miss. It gets caught in your helmet when the visor is down as you drive and then all you smell is squid. I'm not a fan.)
-incense burning
-exhaust as I drive (it sounds weird... and I dislike exhaust now, but I bet that in 2 months when I'm no longer driving my motorbike behind stinky tuk-tuks I'm gonna be missing it
-Thai tea
-clean laundry hanging out to dry on the street
-Thai food in general
-the leelawadee flower's beautiful scent