I'm back in the States after 16 months of living in Thailand, and learning how to re-enter into the life I knew a year and a half ago, facing the challenges that come with it. I wrote this in my journal last night:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis
That quote just came to mind after my tears finally stopped tonight. The sadness is heaviest tonight; I've been inconsolable by my precious family who hates to see me so sad. I hate to be so sad, but I know I must grieve. If I do not allow myself to feel the pain of leaving behind a part of my life that I'll never get back again, it will be worse for me later on, and I might make rash decisions based on emotions rather than the leading of the Lord. I needed to cry tonight -- to really feel the pain out. I think that my siblings were disappointed that they couldn't cheer me up, and that I didn't want them to try; they said that maybe they felt like they weren't good enough. This has nothing to do with them, but of course they can't really understand that. Satan would have me believe that feeling such sadness is wrong, and that I should feel guilty for it. No! It's not wrong -- it's part of what I must face and walk through.
I loved. I loved hard. I loved the people, the culture, the language, the food, the imperfections. I made myself vulnerable because I loved deeply. Now I'm feeling the affects of that vulnerability, and it's good. If I were not sad, my whole life in Thailand would have been a fraud.
It's okay to feel, Jules.
And after the deep cries, remember your God and find your contentment in Him. Give thanks to Him for where He has brought you today.
Your life has been ordained by infinite love and mercy....
"Only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6
