Re-Entry: On Sadness

I'm back in the States after 16 months of living in Thailand, and learning how to re-enter into the life I knew a year and a half ago, facing the challenges that come with it. I wrote this in my journal last night:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

 That quote just came to mind after my tears finally stopped tonight. The sadness is heaviest tonight; I've been inconsolable by my precious family who hates to see me so sad. I hate to be so sad, but I know I must grieve. If I do not allow myself to feel the pain of leaving behind a part of my life that I'll never get back again, it will be worse for me later on, and I might make rash decisions based on emotions rather than the leading of the Lord. I needed to cry tonight -- to really feel the pain out. I think that my siblings were disappointed that they couldn't cheer me up, and that I didn't want them to try; they said that maybe they felt like they weren't good enough. This has nothing to do with them, but of course they can't really understand that. Satan would have me believe that feeling such sadness is wrong, and that I should feel guilty for it. No! It's not wrong -- it's part of what I must face and walk through.

 I loved. I loved hard. I loved the people, the culture, the language, the food, the imperfections. I made myself vulnerable because I loved deeply. Now I'm feeling the affects of that vulnerability, and it's good. If I were not sad, my whole life in Thailand would have been a fraud.

It's okay to feel, Jules.

And after the deep cries, remember your God and find your contentment in Him. Give thanks to Him for where He has brought you today.

Your life has been ordained by infinite love and mercy....

"Only goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." Psalm 23:6

Saturday Night

*Not an easy read....*

It's easy to feel discouraged when the girl who you've spent the last several months befriending and loving is pole dancing--leaving nothing to the imagination of the man she is swaying over. Literally, there was nothing that needed to be imagined. He didn't ask for the show, she gave it freely. No, she'll tell you, she doesn't like her job; but when you're out with her in the mall and a handsome stranger walks by, her words are blunt: "I want to f--- him."

Some people might say I'm wasting my time with her.

And honestly, in those moments of trying not to watch her display her entire body in an exotic dance in the bar, there is the temptation to feel like I have wasted my time. "Maybe these past 8 months really have been for nothing". The quiet lies are easy to believe.

But my time hasn't been wasted. I know it. I have not spent 8 months loving her with my own human messy love--I've been loving her with the endless, limitless, measureless love of the Almighty God, and that love changes lives. So whether I get to see her respond to that love or not, I know that it doesn't just fall into oblivion. I believe God's love doesn't return void.

I'm still praying that she'll find the True Love that she is longing for.

the home dilemma

Why must home exist in two places?

across cultures

across languages

across oceans

Why must I leave home

to go home?

across borders

across time zones

across understandings

Why must I leave loved ones

to find loved ones?

Why must home exist on

two sides of one planet?

oh that this world could be brought into that world

or that world brought into this one

If only home and home could coincide.

Thoughts on the Remaining Five

I have five weeks remaining to drive the exhaust-drenched streets of Chiang Mai, and I'm worn out by warring emotions of joy and sorrow at the prospect of leaving Thailand. My dreams at night are starting to focus on my arrival home. My thoughts during the day are also often of the future and what awaits me in the next season of life. At the same time the thought of leaving behind dear friends here is a very painful one; I hate goodbyes. I don't want to "check out" because there is yet work to be done, life to be lived, and love to be extended. My time here is not over yet. But I also feel like I've done a lot of things "wrong", or at least could have done them better, and I just would rather start all over than try to repair what's been broken. I want a clean slate, and sometimes, life in America looks like a clean slate to me.

 I so often don't feel "cut out" for missionary life for the rest of my days, but God uses the weak to shame the strong, and I am most definitely a weak vessel. Simple obedience and courageous willingness are all that the Lord needs from me -- not wisdom or talent or a more intriguing personality. He knew exactly who I was when He called me, with all my quirks and weaknesses. He is not surprised or disappointed with who I've "turned out to be". I am enough in Him.

Morning Thoughts

It's Wednesday morning. Coffee is brewing. The first batch of banana and chocolate chip muffins are in the (toaster) oven. Jesus music is playing. Rain is falling and the house is humid. My throat is sore this morning, but I'm trusting the Lord for a quick recovery and meantime I'm flushing my body with gallons of water.

My thoughts are numerous today, and I'm not sure where to begin, or if I even should. I haven't had much time to process things lately, to write down my thoughts and feel clarity once again organize the mess of jumbled emotions and ideas in my mind. Last night I went to bed exhausted but unable to sleep, my thoughts running to and fro across my mind and across the world. I was angered by the reality of the red light district--having just spent an evening in a bar visiting my friends. I was distressed by sentimental emotions, remembering and missing someone who I thought was going to be in my life forever, who now is not in it at all. Just those feelings alone were enough to cause tears to find my pillow in the darkness.

I'm not sure how to deal with all the things that I see and feel on a daily basis. But I know from experience that His grace is sufficient, so I am not allowing my emotions to run my life, but instead trusting that He cares for me so my burdens are being cast on Him this morning.

That being said, it's time to check the muffins. And take a shower. Clarity will have to wait for another day, but at least I have a wonderful Guide to lead me through this Wednesday with perfect faithfulness.

Smells I will Miss

Last month, I wrote a list of things that I will miss seeing when I leave Thailand. Living in a different culture means that everyday sights, smells and sounds are entirely different from things I experience in the US. I love my life in Thailand; this has truly become a home to me, and I will miss it tremendously when I return home to the states. For now, here is a list of things that I enjoy smelling each day I live my life in Thailand, and that I will miss when I depart in two months....

-rice cooking on my morning runs
-spices that catch in your throat and cause a whole restaurant full of people to start coughing
-fried squid (okay... I lied, this is one smell I will NOT miss. It gets caught in your helmet when the visor is down as you drive and then all you smell is squid. I'm not a fan.)
-incense burning
-exhaust as I drive (it sounds weird... and I dislike exhaust now, but I bet that in 2 months when I'm no longer driving my motorbike behind stinky tuk-tuks I'm gonna be missing it
-Thai tea
-clean laundry hanging out to dry on the street
-Thai food in general
-the leelawadee flower's beautiful scent

Stepping Away

I have been considering for some time now the affects of a life defined by status updates and notifications, and have come to find within myself some things that I wish I weren't seeing. I have based too much of my worth in how many ‘likes’ my new profile pictures get. I have determined my level of acceptance by how many comments or messages I receive. I have been living a life vicariously through photos of beautiful things, instead of experiencing beautiful things. I have established my intelligence on the number of views my blog pages get. I have based too much of my value on what I think other people think of me based on the “love” I receive via social networking. I’m tired of it. I am tired of seeing myself through the eyes of others instead of seeing myself through the eyes of Christ. How many comments will it take to make me feel secure in my identity today? That is a question I never want to ask myself.

It’s time to step away.

I read this article this morning, and it spoke the final words that I needed to hear to take this step: http://goodwomenproject.com/daily-life/13-days-without-social-media I suggest that you read it and ask the Lord what He might have you do as well.

At this point I don’t know how long I’ll be away… it may be 2 weeks, a month, or longer. I’ll let the Lord decide. But I’m going to do what’s good for me and give myself to the Lord and let Him determine my identity and worth each day.

No Facebook.

No Tumblr.

No Instagram.

If you absolutely need me… shoot me an email. But I do not promise a quick reply.

Here I come, Jesus….

What God is NOT

God is not limited by events.
God is not surprised by anything that happens.
God is not scared.
God is not wondering how to defeat Satan.
God is not questioning His plan. It's perfect.
God is not off His throne.
God is not thinking of abandoning His people.
Ever.

เหนื่อยใจ

Taken from my journal entry today. The last few days have been rough... but He is bigger. If only I can remember that...

"Another day of weariness. I feel as if lately I have not been doing much to expend emotion, and yet, I feel so emotionally worn... I keep craving home--family, best friends, comfort, time to process, no demands--it's a romanticized version of the real thing, but it again appears to me as the escape hatch. I feel too tired to press through two more months of the same thing. I'm tired of seeing my friends struggle--I want Truth to reign in their lives. I want to see God win in a BIG way. But Julie, are you unwilling to see the little battles that He wins? It's always a process. You aren't going to see your friends saved and sanctified all at once. Are you willing to stand beside them through the process? Are you willing to fight the battles with them? God is patient with them and with you. You must also be patient with them and with God. Love is never tired of waiting. Your head knows so well to not grow weary in doing good. You must also train your heart. You must make strong the weak places; you must keep your head up; you must keep your gaze fastened on Christ.

You're stronger than this. You are a fighter, an over-comer, a winner. You will not be defeated -- He promised.

...You know what won't satisfy your longings? Your Mama, Brielle, a strong man's comforting arms around you, R, a change of scenery, a change of lifestyle, compliments, adventure, your own bed back in the US, sleep, coffee. These things won't cut it. You know what will? HIM. He will. Your ความหวังเดียว. Be courageous! Even if courage is simply smiling instead of allowing weariness to cover your face, that is enough. You have a beautiful inheritance. You are the daughter of a King. Is that not worth smiling about?

In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame! In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me; incline your ear to me and save me! Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress... For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth....forsake me not when my strength is spent... But I will hope continually and will praise you yet more and more. Psalm 71:1-14

Put your hope in Him, oh my soul. Head up. Heart strong."

Going Halvsies!

Today, two different people asked me if I was ลูกครึ่ง. I suggest you don't put that word into Google Translate. It will tell you the wrong meaning... and that is not what I got asked today. ลูกครึ่ง literally means half-child--and those who were asking me were wondering if I was half Thai. Before last week, I had never been asked that before... but in the last 7 days literally 3 or 4 people have asked me. I must say, I'm flattered; I think Thai people are absolutely beautiful. :) My question is, do you start to look like the people you live among? Because in that case... I've lived in Thailand for a year... I guess I could look a little more like a Thai person now :)

I think their reasoning is two-fold. 1) They tell me พูดชัด -- you speak Thai very clearly. And 2) I simply look Thai!

Alright.... I'm okay with that!

Heartbreak

  Heartbreak has not been a stranger to me all my life. I have known heartbreak on several occasions since I was a young girl…. I remember lying in bed at night, listening to parents and siblings fight and thinking, this is the worst night of my life. Of course, worse nights came for me. As I got older I struggled for myself in my relationship with my parents, and many nights cried long and hard over the pain in my heart after arguments. Later, most of the heartbreaks I encountered were self-inflicted. I pursued things and people that I knew were not good for me; when they were finally ripped out of my life, I experienced the pain of having given so much of my heart to something that when it was gone, I felt as if my heart were literally torn in two. Boys. Parents. Friends. All have left me heartbroken at various times. I have shed many tears over my personal pain.

  One day, perhaps a year or two ago, I asked the Lord to allow me to feel heartbroken for someone else. For so long I had known only hurt for myself; I had cried over my own heartbreak countless times. I wanted to feel pain on behalf of another person.

The Lord answers prayer.

I am heartbroken.

  I am heartbroken for three little boys who have a mother who does not love them enough to care for them herself, and so are passed around from person to person who cannot commit to raising them. I am heartbroken for a girl who has left a life of working in the bars, but is struggling to stay out of it—wanting love and looking for it in men and sex. I am heartbroken for a girl who allows money to define her, and refuses to give up a job she despises just so she can live in financial security. I am heartbroken for men who are looking for fulfillment in their lives by buying cheap sex, and are so casually willing to destroy the lives of others in the process. I am heartbroken for a girl who desires freedom to do what she wants in life, but doesn’t realize that true freedom is found in Christ.

  Today I cannot stop weeping. I am so heartbroken. I am not shedding a tear over any pain of my own—I am crying over the pain of so many who simply need Jesus.

“The Lord is near the brokenhearted…” Psalm 34:18

  God, be near them, because though they may not realize it, their hearts are breaking, and they can only find healing and freedom in You.

Farther Along

My little sister shared this song with me today, and I thought it worth passing along. Listen to the words... This is my heart right now--learning to trust the Lord with all things in my life, knowing that "farther along... we'll know all about it.... we'll understand why...." Enjoy.

Breakdown

**This post is very honest. It has unpleasant descriptions and language. Read if you want.**

Sometimes you just have moments of breakdown and you need to cry. I got super shaken up on my drive home from the bars today and was overwhelmed with the sensation of needing to cry and scream and break something—wanting to shout ethnocentric nonsense about how people here just aren’t doing it right!

The day started out normal—good even. I was happy; I was ready to spend time with my friend from the bars. Team prayer, ministry staff prayer, lunch with the roomie, and off to the bars I go. When I arrived, my friend wasn’t there. I called; no answer. So I waited and got to know some of the other girls who I had seen time and again but had never interacted with beyond “Sabai dii mai? Sabai dii kha.” Divine appointments—I wouldn’t have spent the time with those girls otherwise, but they need love, too. An hour passes, my friend comes. She eats, and then I think we’re ready to go. Then a customer walks in, and she grabs him up right away…. For another hour I wait while they sit together, kissing, stroking, giggling…. I’m leaving the details out. I wait, knowing that I gave her my word that today was our day, so no matter what, I will wait.

Meanwhile, two young English men walk in, and drink beers with another bar girl. By this time I’ve decided to be productive and am writing in my Little Book of Thankfulness things that I can give glory to God for… like this: the opportunity to sit in a bar and pray while so much immorality happens around me, and this one: that though I feel clueless, I do not serve a clueless God. I pray, and I write, and I watch, and pray some more. Then, one of the young men comes over—Mitch is his name. He asks me what I’m doing… I tell him I’m waiting for a friend, and motion over to the couple locked in embrace. He doubts me. I tell him again: “I’m waiting for her, she is my friend, and we’re going to go hang out.”

Then he looks at my little book, and asks about it. I tell him that I’m writing down things that I am thankful for. Very curious now, he asks if he could see it and I hand it over, rather hesitantly, as no eyes but mine and the Lord’s have read any of it yet. He reads the first several entries, and flips through the pages, 10 or so now, full of things that I have been thankful for over the past few months. Then he looks at me and at my friend again, bewildered. “Why are you here, waiting for her?” He is so confused. My reply is simple: “I believe that a lot of what these girls experience is not real love, so I come here to show them real love. I’ve been shown what genuine love looks like, so I think I can show them, too.” Based on the writings in my book, I obviously believe in the love of God. He is still looking at me in shock. “But why her when she is wrapped around some 60 year old man who probably has a family back home?” At this the man looks at us— overhearing the disgust in Mitch’s voice—offended. “I believe he’s just as broken as she is,” I answer, looking back at Mitch. “He’s looking for love and fulfillment, but he’ll never find what he needs here.” I’m sincere, and Mitch knows it. He’s never encountered something like this before… he doesn’t know what to do with me. He’s touched though—I can see it in his eyes—and as he stands to leave he shakes my hand with both of his, thanks me for sharing, and leaves the bar with his friend, handing a 1000 baht bill to the girl he had been sitting with. “For your kids,” he says, and looks at me before turning out into the sunshine.

So, I’ve been at the bar for two and a half hours now, and finally, 60 year old offended man decides he’s had enough loving for the afternoon and my friend ushers him outside with an assuring “See you tomorrow, na”. I’m still waiting. Five minutes later she has changed and is ready for me. Off to the waterfall and to dinner we go. We talk, we laugh, we take photos. She tells me she is tired of working at the bar and wants to find another job. My heart rejoices, but I wonder what I have to offer her. I silently pray that God would keep revealing to her the emptiness of the life she is living and that I would be able to help her find the true meaning of life. I drop her off again at the bar where she forces a glass of coke down my throat before I’m allowed to leave. “Come see me when you’re free, nong sao.” I promise her that I will.

On the drive home I contemplate the day and feel a mixture of emotions. I’m angry that this society is such that prostitution is just so natural. Damn it. I want freedom for these girls, but the whole of society must change if freedom from prostitution is ever going to come. I think about Mitch, and pray for God to use our interaction to get him thinking. I pray that God would reveal that his 1000 baht will never save him or the bar girl from the lives they are trapped in. Then, I witness a motorbike accident. Through the vehicles in front of me I hear a baby’s scream and see something fly. “Oh my God,” is all I can say and as traffic moves I see the baby in his mother’s arms, crying, but seemingly uninjured. The object that flew was a helmet, which was probably stowed in the front basket of the motorbike and not on someone’s head. The father is picking up the bike and moving it out of the road. No one is hurt, it seems.

Now I’m irate, and this is where the ethnocentric thoughts start flying. “Why would you take a baby on a motorbike? That is not safe. That baby needs to be in a car seat, in a car, somewhere safe. What’s wrong with you people? Why aren’t you wearing helmets? Come on, are you asking for an early death?! Do something right!” I drive on and a pickup truck passes me on my right. Two men sitting in the back are staring at me with naughty smirks, looking me down as if I’m meat, as if I’m something to be eaten and enjoyed and used for their own pleasure. I look straight ahead with a scowl on my face, hating them in my mind. Again, the thoughts run wild... “See! This is what is wrong with this society! Men are evil pleasure seekers who treat women as objects to be enjoyed and thrown aside! This is why there is prostitution. This is why… this is why… this is why…”

 I just want to cry about the brokenness of this world, but the tears are trapped somewhere behind my eyes. Oh Jesus, help.

personality test

Rather accurate, I must say!


Introverted (I) 57.14% Extroverted (E) 42.86% Sensing (S) 65.63% Intuitive (N) 34.38% Feeling (F) 55.17% Thinking (T) 44.83% Judging (J) 63.89% Perceiving (P) 36.11%

ISFJ - "Conservator". Desires to be of service and to minister to individual needs - very loyal. 13.8% of total population.

Take Free Jung Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Things I Won't See

 In four months from tomorrow I will be flying out of the Land of Smiles... and probably not smiling. It is strange to think that one can live so much life in such a short amount of time (16 months total by the time I leave), and then just disappear... never knowing if a return is part of the Lord's plan for the future.

 I genuinely love my life in Chiang Mai, though at times during this internship I have encountered some of the most challenging circumstances of my life. The heights and the depths. It's all beautiful.

 I've decided to tell you a few of the things that will be strange for me to not see once I leave the country. Reverse culture shock will be quite the adventure I'm sure. Here are things that I will miss seeing once I'm back in the states:

-orange-clad monks everywhere
-four people riding on motorbikes
-every single student in uniforms--from pre-school through 4th year of university
-signs in Thai
-adorrrrable little Thai children
-street vendors
-pick-up trucks full of people
-at least three 7-11s on every street
-motorbikes ruling the road
-green Thai mountains
-squatty potties... (yes, I like them...)
-this is obvious, but... Thai people in general. I just LOVE Thai people!
-elaborate Buddhist temples
-hole-in-the-wall restaurants
-night markets

I could probably list forever... But then I wouldn't get any sleep. =) Let's just say that I'll miss this place...

Empty Holidays

Today is an important Buddhist holiday, and marks the beginning of "Buddhist Lent". Traffic is heavy throughout the city; the schools are closed and families are heading to the temples to make merit together. Pick-up trucks and songtaos are full of families and individuals coming down from Doi Suthep, having gone to the temple atop the mountain.

White strings are seen worn by all around the wrist--a sign that they have already gone to the wat and been blessed by a monk. If only they knew that all the hope they are searching for will not be found in a trip to the wat.

Oh God give me the grace and wisdom to know how to bring your Truth to the Thai people!

Honest.

It's been weeks. Excuses are excuses, but I have them. I'll spare you the gory details though... just know that the list of things to do grows longer by the day, and my time here grows shorter every morning when my alarm goes off. It's a frustrating experience, and this fighter, this over-comer, this "keep your head up" girl is tired. And sick now too. Stress and sleepless nights will do that.

I don't want someone to tell me to keep on going. I know to keep going. I know to not grow weary of doing good. I know to keep my eyes on Jesus. I know. I'm just tired. My heart is tired of feeling the pain of so many and having so little ability to ease it. My eyes are tired of seeing so many things as I fly around trying to accomplish while I don't have time to appreciate. My mind is tired of opinions and no right answers. My spirit is deprived of it's source of Life.

But what can I change?

I don't like deadlines.
I don't like lists.
I don't like orders.
I don't like my attitude.

But there is only one thing in that list I can change. Pray for me.

Thoughts on the worst feelings in the world

Tonight I discovered another of the worst feelings in the world—driving a girl back to the bar and leaving her there. I spent 6 hours tonight with one of my sweet friends from the bars. We had dinner together, went to the mall, saw a movie… it was a great evening with her, loving and enjoying and being genuinely interested in her as a human being made in the image of the living God.

I also discovered more of the apathy that runs deep in this culture; more of the love of money. It is heart-breaking.

It is heart-breaking.

You can’t understand until you’ve looked in their eyes and seen the hopelessness but the absolute lack of motivation for change. Fifteen years in the bars will do that to you, I guess. Imagine trying to convince someone that there is something better, when to them nothing now looks better than 20,000 baht in their pocket at the end of the month…

Ten o’clock came fast, and I knew I had to take her back to the bar, though I wanted nothing more than to drive as far away from the bar as I could… to put her somewhere safe and somehow convince her it was for her good. Not that she wanted to go back… and had she another home I would have taken her there….

But she lives at the bar.

And so I drove as slow as I could… and after 3 or 4 hugs goodbye, we parted ways… I sent her back to the bar, and I drove away to my safe home, where now I sit—brow furrowed, heart broken, but eyes dry—silently crying out to the only One capable of saving her.

Fighting in the Spiritual Realm

From my journal: 6.25.12

I came home from teaching today and wept. My heart was so broken for the girls in our CHANGE program who are hearing the Truth, but for some of them, really struggling to accept it. This week they are studying inner healing and it is very difficult for them to face. Satan, also, is attacking from all sides, blinding these ladies to the Truth that is being presented to them.

I was so weighed down by it all that I could only cry, and Kayla and I then fought in prayer on behalf of the girls, and especially M, who is returning home, though we do not know for how long. I think she is in part running from God and the things He is wanting to heal, though just the other day she told me she would try to believe. I so want to be able to do more, but feel like I need to just fight in prayer more than I've been doing. I read yesterday in Colossians -- "devote yourself to prayer". I am far from having a lifestyle devoted to prayer, but my eyes are being opened more to the fact that this is a spiritual battle that is raging, and we will find victory over the powers of darkness in the place of prayer.

Satan will be defeated.

{dreams}

I’m on a vast azure sea

The wind is talking to me

And laughing at my silly smile

As I rise and fall with the waves upon my little boat.

I’m standing upon a red rock

Watching color rise into an October sky

Bright dots against the indigo background

Hugging myself against morning chill

As the sun begins its slow ascent.

I’m walking through a forest of flowers

Breathing deeply scents drifting from petals

White lights serve as stars overhead

Whispers of je t’aime are overheard.

I’m sitting in an iron chair

A corner café

Church bells sing over me

In the quiet morning

My book smells of leather and antiquity.

I’m dreaming

And in all my dreams

There is one person by my side.

Thoughts on what's to come

This current season of my life is rushing breathlessly towards the finish line and I am finding my mind being drawn towards thoughts of the future and the great unknown. I’m excited, not fearful, expecting great things for the next season, just as these last 3 years have been full of journeys I never imagined, and wouldn’t trade for anything. I’m an adventurer, and just as this last scene of my life has been played out away from home and familiarity, I’m dreaming of the next scenes, and they, too, are on strange stages with strange people.

Perhaps in the morning I’ll think otherwise. I miss home, and I long for the people who make life worth living, but I don’t think I was meant to always live close by the ones who I love the most. I’m a dreamer—I look forward to the next thing—and am particularly excited about this next step; I’m about to enter into the “real world”.

Okay, so it’s still a year away, but I know very well how fast a year goes. Hellos, goodbyes, plane trips across the sea, senioritis and graduation will all happen before I know it, and then I’ll be driving away from the place where I lived most of four years and wondering what happened to all the time I once had.

But that’s all still yet to come. For now, I’m enjoying the place that I’m in, and enjoying the person that I am in this place; I know it will only last another 6 months. Dream—that’s good. But wake up where you are now and live.

A Truth Letter

This week for team time I felt like the Lord wanted us to write ourselves Truth Letters, because I think we have all been struggling with lies from the enemy lately, and it is powerful to speak the truth over ourselves. This is what I wrote, and wrote it as if the Lord were speaking to me:

Jules,

I want you to know first of all—there is nothing in my heart scolding you. I am rooting you onward. I haven’t called you to something easy—that’s why I told you that you have to be strong and courageous. Remember when I told Joshua that? I didn’t tell him “above all, be strong and very courageous” because the road ahead of him was easy. Hell no. The way to Christ-likeness is never easy, but it is worth it. You’re struggling to pursue Me, but my patience with you is not wearing thin, so keep on keeping on. In the moments when you don’t feel me, remember anyway that I am there and that I won’t ever walk away from you.

Don’t get down on yourself. You look in the mirror and see someone who jacked it up again, but when I look at you I see you clothed in righteousness and purity. You are my beautiful bride and there is no spot on you. That’s how I see you. Learn to see things from my perspective and stop wanting to beat yourself up. Talking down to yourself will only alienate you further. Accept who you are in Me and be done with it.

I made you beautiful and lively, thoughtful and joyful for a purpose: to represent those same characteristics that are in Me to others. I know you feel confused and unsure of yourself—of who you are or why you are the way you are. Stop wondering—you don’t need to. Remember, I am on my throne and I’m in control, and I made you this way for my glory. So stop wondering if you’re doing things wrong or why people see you the way that they do; it’s not important. My thoughts of you are the only ones that matter—and there is nothing you could do that would change my opinion of you. It’s set in stone, sweet heart.

Just do what you know I have called you to. Remind yourself of it and walk in it. It seems like the harder path—but in reality it’s not, because it is the one that I have set up for your good. On the path that I have made for you, only goodness and mercy will follow you all the days of your life.

You are beautiful. Your heart is beautiful. Keep coming after Me, and all these things will be added unto you.

Prayer Fuel

Interested in a little prayer material? I'm a missionary, and missionaries always need prayer. :) I love to pray the scripture, and have been praying these verses in particular for myself this past week. Please pray them for me as well.

Eph. 6:19, 20 "Pray also for me, that the message may be given to me when I open my mouth to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel... Pray that I might be bold enough in Him to speak as I should."

It encourages me that the apostle Paul was asking this for himself. It's easy to think that sharing the message of the gospel was a piece of cake for him, when really that's probably not the case.

Isaiah 50:4 "The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are instructed to know how to sustain the weary with a word."

So often I feel like I lack the proper words to say in my line of work (what do you say to prostituted women??), and would like wisdom to know what they need to hear. I want to have the words of the Spirit to sustain them, not my own.

Proverbs 4:23 "Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life."

My heart is quick to fly to anything that appeals to it; I need help in guarding my heart above all else.

The prayers of a righteous person avail much (James 5:16). So never doubt the power of your prayers. :)

CHANGE

So it occurred to me today that I haven't done an adequate job of explaining what has filled a significant portion of my hours lately, and what has been happening in the red light district of Chiang Mai. This post will hopefully make up for the lack!

The title of this post is the name of a 3-month long transformation program that Love Acts is now doing. It is for girls who have decided to leave the bars and want to make changes in their lives. With this program comes Bible studies, English classes, and job training, and our greatest desire is that these girls will find the love of Christ transforming their hearts! We currently have 5 girls participating in the program, all of whom have left the bars in search for something better. The topic for Bible study this week is their identity in Christ--a very important subject for everyone, but especially for these girls who have been labeled and defined by their jobs in the bars by family and society.

My biggest role currently in the CHANGE program is teaching English. Along with my ministry supervisor, I am putting together lesson plans that include daily vocabulary and grammar (teaching grammar in a different language is hard!). Right now I am teaching three days a week, and in the future we'll see what happens (my role changes quite frequently--it's all about learning flexibility and faithfulness where God places me for however long!). I love to teach, so I have really been enjoying my afternoons with these girls, even though it is difficult to teach with my limited language ability. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know these beautiful ladies and have a part in seeing their lives transformed.

One of the girls has already put her faith in Jesus Christ, and there is another who is very quickly on her way. Yesterday our vocabulary lesson was on religion and I asked her what she believed. She told me, a little timidly at first, but then with greater boldness, "I follow Jesus!" I don't know if she has actually made a decision to surrender her whole life yet, but the Holy Spirit is clearly after her heart! Please pray with me for all 5 of these girls--that their hearts would be soft to the Lord and that He would truly transform their lives. It is nothing we can do, but only the work of the Spirit!

That Old Familiar Feeling

 I hadn't felt it for awhile, but there it is again--that old familiar feeling of stress and frustration that one experiences after teaching a group of students that just aren't comprehending the lesson. Tutoring students one-on-one is one experience, while teaching in a classroom setting with goals and deadlines is a whole different thing. It's been three years since I taught in a classroom, but as soon as I got that stressful sensation today it took me right back to Spanish I and II as a 19-year-old and 40-some high schoolers. At least in that situation we had a common language... now I'm trying to teach my language while not truly speaking theirs! Imagine trying to explain English grammar in Thai! Stress and frustration for both teacher and students, yet somehow I must carry on. I got used to that feeling of exhaustion after a full day of teaching before, and now I must accustom myself to it once again. I also remember the rewarding feeling of teaching as well, and I'm hoping that comes too, with time....

Resting between His Shoulders

Last Saturday I spent all day hanging out with my new favorite boys in Thailand. What do you do on a blazing hot Saturday in Thailand with three boys? That was my question, and it was soon answered by a trip to a local pool to cool off. While we waited for the 'baby' as we like to call him to wake up from his nap so we could head out to swim, I shared a precious moment with my little buddy, N. It started out as a tickle fight, and as soon as I wore this 8 year old out, he climbed onto my back and I began to walk back and forth through the house with him clinging tightly to me. I must have crossed the house a few hundred times, because he hung on to me for a solid 30 minutes at least, contentedly resting his head on my shoulders. While I walked I prayed over this darling boy, that his heart would be soft to the Lord.

I soon thought of Deuteronomy 33:12 which says, "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders." Just as N rested between my shoulders, allowing me to carry him and be strong for him while he was tired, so also the beloved of the Lord rests between His shoulders in their moments of weariness, and the Lord carries them. This became my prayer for N, and continues to be so.

May you know the Lord's strength and desire to be your shield today. Rest in Him, because He loves you and has never called you to walk alone: "Behold I am with you always..." (Matthew 28:20).

resting with my buddy

Thoughts on Kicking Overwhelmed-ness to the Curb

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed. I know that God has led me to Thailand, and to work with Love Acts, but some days, I have no idea what I am doing. I want an instruction manual—a step by step guide with how to do ministry and learn the language and win people for the Lord. There is no such book, and my only guides are the Holy Spirit (the very good Helper) and my own mind. Sometimes that leaves me feeling very lost, for sometimes, the Holy Spirit whispers rather too quietly for my busy, distracted mind to take notice. Other times, He doesn’t speak at all, leaving decisions up to me alone.

When that happens I sit on the couch and stare…. at nothing really…. Just stare and wonder and feel very, very small. And then I think, “What in the world am I doing?” And there is no verbal answer, but I remember in my heart that with the Spirit of God empowering us, we will not only “soar on wings like eagles”, but we will “walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). It’s the walking without fainting part that I need assistance with right now. I’m nowhere near soaring with eagles, and I’m not even running right now (though I would love a good run—it’s a great stress reliever). It’s the one-day-at-a-time walking in faithfulness to what God has called me to that I need the most help with. And—He’s promised it to me. So, even though I’m clueless, I’m confident in my cluelessness, because I have the promises of God, based on His unchanging nature, backing me up.

So, I’m alright. Take that, overwhelmed-ness. =)

Little Boys

Once upon a time, I fell in love with four little boys from Mexico.

I was seventeen, and on my first mission trip. It was at that time that the Lord stirred my heart towards pursuing missions, and it was at that time that I first learned to love little boys who were not accustomed to receiving love.

Now, there are four new little boys in my life, only these ones are from Thailand.

I have only known them a short time, but already they are stealing my heart. They have not received love as they should have for much of their lives, but now they have an opportunity to be loved as never before. And I have the opportunity to be a giver of that love to them.

 It has been almost six years since the Lord first started to touch my heart to minister to hurting little boys, and now I have a very real chance. Thank You, Jesus, for making everything beautiful in its time.

At the Seaside

   I wrote this in my journal yesterday... =)

   The last day and a half have been sun-drenched and salty, wind-blown and smelling of the sea. Holly and I have been 'sitting in sunshine, calm and sweet' both figuratively and literally, and our happy hearts and my burnt legs are the proof of it. We have been delighting in every moment, kissing the joy and soaking in the timelessness.

   Our days together so far have consisted of sitting on the rocks and watching the waves crash on them, sitting on the dock and watching the boats go in and out, the fishermen delight in their catches, and the sun make its fiery pink and orange decent. We've listened to the waves roll in, to jazz music, and to each others' lives--catching up on the state of our hearts after 7 months of separation. We've eaten expensive fruit, spicy Thai dishes, and ice cream--sharing every meal to keep the costs (and our weight ;)) down. While the tide is out during the day we sit on the beach and laugh. While the tide is in at night we sit on the rocks and watch the stars and the lit up boats on the water and share the deeper parts of our hearts -- the places reserved only for a best friend.

   We don't make plans--just let the day unfold--and in doing so experience the day slowly, having the time to enjoy every beautiful thing that comes our way. It's lovely. This morning we've sat drinking coffee and reading our Bibles while this small beach town bustles about in a relaxed sort of way. We have no idea what the rest of the day will hold, but that is just the way we like it; every moment is an adventure.

Songkran!

It is probably highly unlikely in most countries right now to walk to an English lesson and end up getting soaked with water by your students.... but today, that is exactly what happened to me! In Thailand, that is a very probable scenario for the next week. Welcome to Songkran 2012! This week marks the traditional Thai new year (April 12-15 technically), a festival which is celebrated by a national water fight! From now till probably Monday or Tuesday of next week, I can't really expect to go anywhere without the very real possibility of getting wet!

Today I walked up to one of the bars to give an English lesson, and was greeted by my students (two 13 year old boys, sons of women who work at the bar) with squirt guns to my face. Rather than run away from the party, I joined it, and within 15 seconds my clothes were soaked through. :) For 30 minutes I "played water" as they call it, and decided that was enough for one day. On Friday I have plans to be out with friends all day in their pick-up truck soaking as many people as I can! Let the water fight begin!!!

From My Heart

From my journal, April 4, 2012:

It is very challenging for me to hope and persevere when I feel like I do not have purpose. My role here changes weekly, so I can never find a comfortable spot. That is probably good -- God did not bring me here to make me comfortable. At the same time it causes me to not know what I am supposed to do in any particular moment and then I lack a sense of purpose. I know my goal can't be wanting to know I am being used by God... but is it wrong to want that? It is wrong to want to know if my presence is making a difference? The things God calls us to are certainly never easy.

And so far this week I have done a lame job of pursuing the Lord which I'm sure has resulted in my stress and anxiety and longing for home. Stop longing for home, Jules. You've got a better country -- a heavenly one --awaiting you. Stay the course. The old faithful ones did not think of the country they had left. They looked forward, unto Jesus, who was leading them into something better that He had promised, even though they didn't even know what that was. You gotta keep your head up. Keep your hopes unbroken. You are Liz on top of the world and you're there because you HOPE in the One who has made the PROMISES -- and this hope will NOT lead to disappointment.

Remember, God has you here because it is GOOD for you. He longs to be gracious to you. It is not just that you have given up your life and made all kinds of sacrifices in order to bring peace and justice and blah, blah, blah to girls working as prostitutes. God has brought you to this place at this time because He is sovereign and good and merciful and he has your best interest in mind. That doesn't mean giddy happiness every moment of the day; but it does mean you can trust Him that here and now is the BEST thing for you.

And goodness, really your life is pretty awesome. How many people do you know that get to love people for a living? You teach 9 hours a week and during that time get to forget about yourself and focus your energy and attention on serving others. Besides that you play pool and listen to girls' stories and ask questions and get to hang out AS YOUR JOB. The question is, are you ready to give an answer for the hope that is within you? One of these days it will be time to do that, and you must be prepared. Think on that.

A Blessed Week

I forgot how much I enjoy teaching young people until this past Monday. My students in the bars have been unpredictable and altogether absent lately, save one who comes regularly, J. On Monday, during a break caused by lack of consistent students, I walked up to D Bar to say hello to some girls and ended up teaching two 13 year old boys, the son of a girl who works at that bar, and his friend. It was unexpected, and I'm sure they didn't appreciate the interruption to their pool game, but they humored the white girl and sat and listened for 45 minutes while I taught them the alphabet. I think it helps that I am pretty, haha. Maybe next week they will be less willing to study, but who knows. It brought me back to my year of teaching Spanish to 13-18 year olds as a 19 year old myself. Boys of this age are sassy but so much fun. I hope they continue to study.

After teaching the boys I taught an 18 year old girl, D, who just graduated from high school and will be studying to be a veterinarian at Mae Jo University next term. Meanwhile she is studying English, and has a very firm grasp on it already. She and I had a lot of fun in her lessons this week; she is a precious girl.

And so my heart is happy. Sometimes I absolutely love what I do... thank you, Jesus, for blessings like this.

Seasons

I love quiet mornings. The mubaan is a peaceful place early in the day, contrary to the bustling main road just up the street. The birds in Thailand sing very sweet songs; they remind me of Springtime in Erie, PA. Chiang Mai, however, has skipped spring and gone directly to summer. Today's 100* temperatures and dry air will testify to the lack of spring, though it is still only March, and the world is still more brown than green after three months without rain.

In only nine months I will return to the states and live a very different life from what I am accustomed to here. I daily miss my family back home, and the family of friends I have at school, but I am not thrilled about going back to America. I love Thailand and really can't imagine living anywhere else right now. But the Lord takes us in and out of seasons and I will follow where He leads.

My heart has been in and out of seasons, too. Both dry and rainy, sunshiny and cloudy. How wonderful though that my God is faithful throughout them, and that because He is at my right hand I will never be shaken. I'm holding tight to His hand and learning how to rejoice in the midst of difficulty, looking at His face instead of at the trials that attempt to consume me. “For I am convinced that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:13-14) Therein lies my hope.

Observations

Yesterday 0ur team put on an 'Amazing Race' for the short term group that has come from the states. My station was in the market, and as I sat I observed and wrote. You can tell when I went from writing about things that had already happened to things that were happening in the moment; I switched tenses. :) Here it is--mostly unedited (I had to fix spelling mistakes haha) raw thoughts:

"In the market I sat next to a kind woman with a laugh as big as she was. She gave me a stool to sit on near her strawberry stand -- perhaps out of kindness, perhaps to keep me out of the way of the foot traffic of hundreds of people going in and out of Seven. I still wish I had counted just how many people came through the door in those 4 hours. Beyond the big woman was an old lady who sat hacking at fish with an axe on a wooden stump, smoothed into a cutting board. It looked to me that she had learned to purse her lips to prevent raw fish pieces from flying into her mouth. Her gut-stained apron told me there were plenty of flying fish remnants to avoid.

Before the kind lady offered me a seat on her stool I had been somewhat rudely evicted from my perch on Seven's steps. That lady didn't seem to care that if she moved me it would not be for the greater good of everyone desiring a Slurpee or a cold water on the hot afternoon; she had a shop to set up and I was in her way. Okay, so I'll move, I said to myself, inwardly offended that she didn't care about the very good reason I was in her way. Her apples looked good, but I might have vowed not to purchase from her due to her unkindness to me. Not exactly the Biblical thing to do perhaps, but I wasn't hungry anyways.

I knew they were talking about me, but not understanding enough of the conversation or knowing enough Thai to defend myself I sat in silence and prayed for my friends to come quickly so I could just leave.

The woman with the fishy apron went out to the middle of the street and poured a bucket of bloody fish gut-filled water down the sewer drain. I'll take that as a warning to never step on sewer drains in the market-- you never know what guts might get stuck to your shoe. I can't imagine doing her job, but I guess that after so many years of fish parts flying your stomach can handle anything.

The sun is getting low, but for the 4th week or so there will be no decent sunset to marvel at. Chiang Mai's hazy skies only get hazier as the weeks go on, the only consolation being that as summer approaches the blazing sun's power is lessened and the days are slightly cooler even as each day is warmer.

The sun drops... one group of friends left to arrive and then I can turn the market over to the ladies that claim it, whether kind or rude. I'm sure they're tired of seeing my face, pretty as they thought it was originally. Even pretty faces can be a nuisance, and this one has stuck around for 4 hours -- my departure is long overdue.

With the sight of every new tuk tuk I am hopeful, only to be 'pid wang' (disappointed) as they drive by empty, save the wrinkled man with his cigarette looking for someone to pay him too much for a ride home. Praise the Lord I drive a motorbike!

I need to get out of here before the entire market comes out onto the streets and the road becomes impassable. We're already 30 minutes overtime -- I doubt our drivers are pleased. They'll probably want an extra hundred baht for their trouble, and I would too. The evolution of this market is incredible. The strawberry lady has moved her produce onto the street and is making way for a new vendor to take her spot selling grapes. My stool has long been gone and my legs are tired and my back aches. My "evictor"(yes, I made that word up) is calling out to all who pass 'sao baht' -- northern Thai for 20. She adds a 'jow' to the end of each sentence -- also northern Thai. I never know when to use northern Thai and when not to. And I want some grapes. I won't buy though; I'm still not hungry."

A Jar of Clay

I watched the bright orange sun fading into the western smoggy sky today as I drove home—wishing I were in a tall building somewhere to watch its decent, rather than driving and supposed to be paying attention to the road. I pondered the fact that I was watching the sunset while driving a motorbike in Thailand, and considered how unlikely it is that this is my reality. Little Julie—shy, stay by mommy's side little Julie—lives in Thailand, and works daily with prostitutes in the bars. It's not that now I'm adventurous and brave and some kind of super-person. Over the years I've grown and matured; I've changed from what I used to be into what I am now. But I still daily breathe a prayer for courage, and ask for help and wisdom. I don't know what I'm doing, I just follow One who does. That's all.

I still cry at night when I miss home. I miss the protection of my daddy. I would rather eat pasta than rice. I struggle. I fight. But I'm learning to count the cost of following my Jesus, and I'm finding that it is so sweet to just trust Him.

Tonight is quiet, and I'm quieting my heart as well. “Don't be afraid. Stand firm and see the Lord's salvation He will provide for you today... The Lord will fight for you. You must be quiet.” (Exodus 14:13,14)

Grey Hairs and Twitching Eyes

I can’t decide if I’m stressed or simply getting old, but whatever it is, symptoms are rapidly increasing! For the last two months I’ve been pulling out grey (actually, more like white) hairs weekly. You have to be kidding me, that at not quite twenty-three I’m already starting to go grey!? Not okay. And besides that, my left eye has been twitching on and off for more than a week now. That is usually a sign of stress for me, but I haven’t felt stressed in the usual way. Normally it’s when I have too much to do and not enough time to do it that a twitch becomes a normal part of my day or week.

This time around, I feel it is more emotional stress than anything which would bring about such a symptom. Daily battles against Satan’s lies and within my own heart have been wearing me down. When the battle in my heart increases, I don’t give the time and energy to fighting Satan, and then he starts to win. Something has to go… I’m just not entirely sure what, or how.

I need wisdom. And grace. And rest.

Being Present is Enough

One of the ways (out of the numberless ways) that this ministry in the red-light is challenging me is by teaching me to let my presence be enough for the Lord to use. I am a do-er. If I'm not physically doing something I feel like I'm doing nothing, and it is hard to feel used by the Lord in that case. If I am teaching a student, I feel like I'm doing something, and thus being used. What happens when a student calls you to let you know she is hung over after a night with a customer and won't be coming to her English lesson? Suddenly I have an hour and a half of free time, to be used in blessing other girls in the bars.

Today was such an instance, and I spent the time with my friend Faa, whom the Lord is giving me a heart of love for. Faa doesn't speak English, and I don't speak much Thai, so there isn't a whole lot of actual verbal communication that takes place among us, but I am learning that the Lord doesn't need words in order to touch people's hearts. Today as I sat with Faa, me wishing I could at least speak Thai so that we could converse, the Lord reminded me that He doesn't need me to DO anything except be there. We painted our nails together. We laughed at the silliness of our friend Bow. We pointed to our favorite flowers in a book I had. Some day I can buy Faa flowers--I know which ones she likes best now. :)

At the end of an hour and a half I didn't feel like I accomplished much, but perhaps I did. Perhaps the Holy Spirit through me was able to speak love to Faa's heart. Afterall, it was an hour and a half that Faa would have sat alone in the bar. Why not let my presence be the Spirit's presence in her life?

Tonight

The city was hazy today. It has not rained for too long; the air hung heavy with pollution. All day the sunshine was milky, and tonight as I drove home the city lights were muted. Even the outline of Doi Suthep, usually dark against the sky, was invisible, and the temple lights were dim--clouded. Only the stars, rising higher than the haze, shone as bright as ever, boasting in their height in the heavens.

Some nights I throw open my windows to gaze out over the sleeping city and revel in the beauty of the stars. On nights like this one, when all is still and silent, I know God loves me as lighted lanterns suddenly rise in the eastern sky, dancing in formation. I don't know what the occasion is, except that God knows how much I adore that sight and wanted to bless me.

It is enough.

TFD (Thai Fire Department)

It's been a while since I posted some interesting culture tid-bits, but a couple experiences that I had in the last 2 weeks reminded me that I do indeed live in Thailand, where they do things differently. :)

Have you ever walked home to find black smoke coming from behind your house? It's a little disconcerting. My friend Zach and I were walking home from lunch one Saturday afternoon to see just that, and when we walked around the townhouses we found the neighborhood "wilderness" to be ablaze, and quickly moving towards the houses. Because it is cold season, and therefore dry season as well, the tangled mess of plants behind our row of townhouses was perfect bonfire material. "Where are the marshmallows when I need them??" Our neighborhood guard was hard at work with fire extinguishers (but it appears that there were only three in the whole mubaan [reminder: we need to invest in one of those!]). A quick call to the fire department was made, and meanwhile the whole neighborhood began pouring out of their homes to help in any way... grab hoses, clear out flammable trash... (the wilderness had become a bit of a dump). In about 10 minutes the Thai fire department arrived -- all geared up and ready to..... oh wait. No. Sorry, let's try that again. No gear to be seen... on any of the firemen who jumped off the truck and ran out to stop the fire wearing flip flops... and smoking cigarettes. Yep, that's right. "Let me put out this fire while I take a smoke!" (it was later determined that it had been a tossed cigarette that started the fire in the first place). This is Thailand. The fire was eventually put out, and all was well. :)

Here's some photos I snapped on my phone to document the adventure.

That last one I took out my bedroom window. Later that week they ended up plowing the rest of the field to remove the fire hazard... so now instead of a wilderness we have a desert. I like those too. :)

More to come later!

Learning what Love Really Means

Last night was awesome in the red-light district. After seriously struggling for the last several days with the meaning of love and how to love, the Lord reminded me that I don't need to understand love, I just need to act. Just move, just speak, just smile, and He will do the work. God hasn't called me to understand, He has called me to ACT. With that knowledge, I went out into the bars with a renewed expectation that the Lord was going to love through me, and I think He did.

My teammate and I headed to a particular bar that the Lord had impressed on my heart. I had been there once before a couple weeks ago, but had not returned to talk with the girls I met there. We ended up spending the rest of the night with a girl who I'll call O -- 21 years old, beautiful, and such a sweetheart. I spoke to her as much as I could in Thai, but we mostly just played games and laughed together. I asked her if she liked working there -- her answer was no, and she looked sad. She didn't want to be there, and by the end of 2.5 hours you could tell by the look on her face that she was very glad and grateful that we had spent that time being her friend and regarding her as a valuable person rather than an object. I realized part way through the night that my heart was filled with love toward her. I wanted to take her away from the bar and just be her friend -- laugh with her, show interest in her heart and not just her beautiful body, have an adventure with her, go shopping with her -- let her live like a 21 year old girl should. And of course, introduce her to the One who can heal her heart -- my beautiful Jesus.

I think slowly I will learn what love really means.

Conquered.

I've been told by many people that I am persistent, relentless, and determined. And stubborn, too. It's true, and it's characteristics like that which allow me to accomplish goals like running up this mountain:

I had been training for the last few months, going to Doi Suthep every couple of weeks to run up its steep road. I made it about half way up the last time I trained, which was about 1 month ago. Since then I had been too busy to run at the mountain, but next week starts a whole new schedule and I knew my time was about to become even more limited. So although I wasn't physically ready to run to the top, mentally I was. :) As a result, my persistence, diligence, relentlessness and stubbornness brought me to the top of the Wat Phrathat overlooking Chiang Mai in 1 hour and 34 minutes. Pretty stellar, I think.

Today, I'm sore, and my left hip flexor is yelling at me, but otherwise I feel physically strong, and mentally accomplished. YAY for achieved goals!

ครอบครัว

I have grown up in a culture where families are often taken for granted and, many times, despised. It is only the grace and favor of the Lord that allowed me to grow up in a home where my family cherished each other and sought to bring others into that same love that perhaps they never knew. I'm sure that in many ways the family in Thailand has been skewed as well, but it is something that I have found to be incredibly important to many Thais. Not anyone can be "part of the family" here, and when you are considered such, it is a big deal.

My teammate Kayla and I have recently found ourselves becoming part of a Thai family and it is so exciting. We have been visiting some friends from the local flower market weekly for a little over 3 months now, and the more we visit, the closer we get with them. Granted, they speak only Thai, so our relationship is entirely dependent on our study of their language! In the beginning we could hardly speak at all, but now we hold simple conversations with them for over an hour at a time. And we have SO much fun with them.

For New Year's we were invited over to their intimate family gathering at their home, and were then invited to join them on their family vacation! What?! I'm totally serious.... and so were they. Incredibly, a simple relationship has turned into a family bond. They love us, and we love them. Now they let us help out in their flower shop instead of insisting that we just sit and watch as the guests. Now, they'll leave the shop to us for a few minutes if they have to run a quick errand. Now they treat us like family, and we love it. Now, we have an even greater opportunity to bring the light of Christ into the darkness in this family! The Lord has truly blessed this relationship, as it was never something that we were looking for, but He graciously gave.

=)

Breaking

This is the moment when they all look alike, and your heart starts pounding at the back of every head. That’s him. For a split second you’re sure it must be, but with a turn in your direction you are proved wrong and your pulse momentarily slows. So many warring thoughts run recklessly through your mind. You long for the actual sight of him, yet dread it as well, knowing that with it comes the need for you to deny his love, to kill his hopes. You know very well that this is the thing you hate doing most in the world. You feel like a murderer, awaiting your unaware prey, but you’re killing a part of your own heart too.

You feel sick. So sick. And you can barely breathe, hardly move…….............. there he is.

And afterwards, as he walks away, you sit in the parking lot and cry.