Last time I wrote, I was still a couple months away from my wedding day; now it's 26 days in the past! I would love to say it's been 'wedded bliss', but I think whoever made up that term was lying, because I'm pretty sure that if two humans marry each other, it'll not exactly be blissful. Don't get me wrong though, I'm loving the commitment that I've made to my husband, even though it's proving to be the hardest thing I've ever done. I kinda knew that's how it would be. A friend recently asked me on a scale from 1 to 10 how marriage was; I gave it a 7. When she asked why it wasn't a ten I explained that I'm learning a whole lot about myself in this marriage, and it's been difficult to come to grips with some of it, because honestly, it's kind of ugly.
A week or so ago I wrote the following in my journal, after a 'rough' night. It's just a glimpse into what I'm learning on this hard but worthwhile journey:
I'm not good at not being good at things. I'm a perfectionist; when I don't perform well at any given task I take it as a hit against the whole of who I am. I'm coming to realize this more as a wife--there are more things for me to fail at because I am doing more things that directly affect another person. Last night I didn't do so well at something, and felt as a result like a failure, and that my husband wasn't pleased with me. That's the thing--pleasing. I'm a pleaser, and if I feel I've disappointed, my whole world crumbles. What a devastatingly dangerous identity to cling to.
My mama was sharing with me the other day what she was learning in Sunday School class about the difference between pleasing God and trusting Him. "I want to please God" sounds good, but it always comes down to what we do instead of relying on the character of God and resting in the trust of His Word.
It's the same with my husband; I want to please him, but that's reliant on my doing something well, rather than trusting that he loves me even when I'm not doing my best. Do I trust him when he says that he still loves me? Do I trust that he means what he says when he tells me he wouldn't change a thing about me -- all when I haven't performed well? If I can learn to trust his character instead of be consumed by my failure, I will blossom into a confident and peace-filled wife.
Thank you, God, for giving me a husband who so beautifully reflects your character to me.
