Never Forsaken

It's a glorious late October afternoon in Bloomington, MN--the sun is shining and there is a lovely wind scattering the falling (and fallen) leaves. Today I am baking apple pie (what better thing to do on a fall day, right?) before my shift at work tonight. I've always loved to bake, but while I was in Thailand I didn't have much opportunity (we only had a toaster oven...which is not the easiest to bake in--though I did manage to make pies, muffins, and cakes in that faithful little guy). Now that I am back in the US and have access to an oven (at Matt's apartment), I've once again been baking to my delight (and Matt's). Baking has become my form of relaxing on the weekends. So while the pie bakes, I blog.

The Lord convicted me earlier this week about the focus of my life lately. I'm in a season of preparation for the future; the fact of my upcoming marriage naturally puts me into a mindset of planning for what is to come, which is good. However, I've gotten caught up by it all, but not in the way you might think. I'm in no way going crazy over wedding preparations, which is what everyone always asks about: "so how are wedding plans coming along?" It's nice of you to ask, but it's really not been my focus the last few months. I've been thinking a little bit beyond the wedding -- namely, are we going to be able to survive?? We been saving money for the future, and the Lord has really blessed us in doing so; in the last two weeks God has provided us with two things that we were very much in need of. But I've still managed to allow myself to be tangled up in worries about what is coming. Will we have all that we need for an apartment? Will we be able to afford the first month after the wedding since we'll have been on vacation and not making money? Will we be able to pay off debts? What if something happens to our car or one of us gets sick and we can't afford to pay the bills? So many thoughts that I've been letting rule my mind!

Last Sunday afternoon God began to reveal to me that my life lately has been about too many worries, and too little purpose. The line from an Audra Lynn song came to my mind this morning: "I don't want to get caught in the struggle of begging for my bread to survive -- because there's a better pursuit for my efforts."

In the midst of my worries, I've been forsaking a lot of good things. I haven't been spending much time reading God's Word, I haven't been spending time building up the body of Christ, and I haven't been intentional about using my time and resources to bless others or look for opportunities to give testimony to unbelievers of the goodness of God in my life. I've been so caught up in trying to make sure my husband and I will be able to survive and live comfortably in a couple months that I haven't been on the lookout for opportunities to do so many more important things! Perhaps my focus shouldn't at all be on trying to live comfortably. God reminded me of the truth found in Psalm 37:25 this morning: "I have been young, and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his children begging for bread." Well, I'm still young, but even in my 24 years I have never lacked anything that I have ever needed. Is that a testimony to the goodness and faithfulness of God? I think so!!!!

I want you (whoever is reading this) to pray for me, because I do not want to write this down and turn around and start worrying again. I was made for more than that; I have an important purpose that I can distract myself from if I am not careful. Pray that I would be intentional in all I do, and instead of worrying, that I would spend my days thanking God for all of his GOOD gifts! Also, read all of Psalm 37. It is a beautiful reminder of the way God watches over his righteous ones.

The Identity of a Mrs. {Part II}

I'm not as perfect as I thought I was.

I'm sure we've all sat in the church service where the pastor is talking about how as he's sharing his message, you're hoping your spouse is paying attention, because they really need to hear it. I've sat through many services like that, always wondering if, when the time came, I would think that same thing about my spouse.

Well, surprise! I'm just like all of you. I too have hoped that my (almost) spouse is paying attention in the service, because naturally, I've got it all together, but he really needs to work on some things.

Ha.

You know what the amazing thing is, though? I'm marrying a very humble man. I'm marrying a man who is listening in the service, and who afterwards tells me there are things that he needs to work on. Gosh. Do you know how humbling that is? Because all of a sudden I get slapped in the face with the thought "Julie, are you paying attention to the message? Are you paying attention to God's voice? Are you willing to see the things He want to change in you?"

For some reason, it's a lot easier to see all the things that someone else needs to change, instead of what you should work on in your own life. This is one thing that I am coming to discover more and more as I walk towards the altar (67 days!!!). Even as I can so easily see all the things that Matt should do differently, I am likewise seeing the nasty things within myself that God wants to change, that, if I were not preparing for marriage right now, I probably wouldn't be seeing.

This is a hard, but glorious and necessary part of marriage. It's how God designed it. My daily challenge now when I catch myself hoping for change in Matt, is to look inward and ask if I am walking with the integrity that I am insisting that he walk with. Do I meet up with my own standard? Am I falling short in some area that I'm not paying attention to because I'm focused on the flaws in my man?

In all honesty I am really, really amazed by Matt. He continually surprises me with his sensitivity to the Lord. He makes mistakes, and sometimes he makes them very boldly. But I have never known someone who is so willing to humble himself when he has done something wrong and make it right. It's what I needed--an example of humility--to teach me how to be humble and willing to see myself with all my imperfections so that I can grow into who God wants me to be.


Thank you, Matthew.

Thoughts on the Identity of a Mrs.

I have decided that fall is officially the best season. Especially this fall. Never before have I experienced such wonderful colors, perfect temperatures, and overall glory of nature. Today is a blustery day. A colorful day. A day of both blue skies and grey. It's also a day off for me, so naturally, it's a good day.

My life lately has been full, and my mind likewise has been full of thoughts, to which I am trying to put words. Articulation is an art form, and sometimes it stays far from me. I hope to write more often in the next few weeks, finally trying to give form to the ideas that I have been mulling over in my head.

I'll start with this one first:

I'm 79 days away from saying "I do" to the man I love. I've been engaged to Matt  for 4 months, have been dating him for 7, and have known him for 35. Time brings lots of changes, and I'm grateful for all of them, even though sometimes on this journey I've begged God that life be different than how it is, because let's be honest--walking towards marriage is hard. One thing that I've been realizing recently is that my identity is, once again, changing. I'm in the process of going from being a strong, independent, single woman, to being a strong, independent, married woman. I'm not married yet, but I'm starting to think as if I were. Instead of thinking about what I can make myself for dinner, I think about what I can make myself and Matt for dinner. Instead of making plans for the weekend on my own, I'm learning to consult my man. We've been saving our money for things that together we will purchase. It's been fun, but it's a change. I'm having to train myself to think differently, behave differently, and accept that no matter what, I am inextricably linking myself and aligning myself with this man, and that will change--for good or bad--the perception people have of me.

I'll no longer just be Julie. I'll be Julie, and my husband will be Matt. We are two people now, but we are quickly approaching the time when we will be one. I'm not saying that I'm going to lose my identity, become a totally different person, and forget who I am. Chill out. I'm still very much my own person with my own personality. Matt and I will shape each other, cause each other to grow in ways that we would not have grown on our own, and come to be more of a single entity than two individuals. Beautiful.

There will be A LOT of learning in this upcoming season. I have no doubt that being a god-fearing, capable, loving wife is one of the hardest things on earth to do.... but I've always liked a good challenge. =)

Reflections on Autumn and Trust

The last expressions of summer are clinging to the tops of leaves and hanging still and warm in the humid September air, but autumn is fighting its way into the scene with its bits of red and yellow and forecasted cooler nights. Seasons are changing once again.

Two years ago on this day I was boarding a flight to Thailand where I would live for the next 16 months. It seems strange now how quickly that season came and went. I remember sitting in my house on a hot day in October, missing the colors of fall and wishing for sweaters and hot tea. This year I’ll get to experience them once again.

When I was in eighth grade, I thought that life would get easier and better as it went on. I now wonder what kind of things I was experiencing as a thirteen year old that would make me hope for an easier life! I wish that I could go back and tell my thirteen year old self what I have since learned. To quote a wise woman named Elaine: “Life doesn’t get any easier; but trusting Jesus does.”

Oh how many times I have experienced that! And yet so often I still hope for ‘easy’. I still wish for ‘better’. Jesus told us that life would be difficult: “In this world you will have trouble…” (John 16:33). It doesn’t get much clearer than that.

But Jesus didn’t end the conversation there. He didn’t say, “Yep, life is gonna suck, sorry! Good luck!” His next words are a call to us to trust Him: “take heart! be courageous! I have overcome the world.” In His triumph, we have victory as well, and in that we can hope. We can look at the trials, and the fact that life just isn’t getting easier, and know that in the end He still wins and thus so do we.

Trusting Jesus doesn’t naturally get any easier. It isn’t something we obtain as we sleep. It takes hard work, a lot of prayer, and repeatedly committing our lives into His hands and letting ourselves let go of control. It’s a choice, but it’s one that does get easier as we practice it. I think I need to practice it more, because life is tough and I find myself wishing things were easy more than asking God to help me trust Him.

Take heart, Jules. Be courageous! Your God is on your side, and what good things He has coming for you.

Six Months of Silence

As dearly as I love to write, the last 6 months have been some of the quietest of my writing life. It's not that there has been no inspiration; it's just that sometimes inspiration manifests itself in living life rather than writing about it. The last six months have been full of dreams, and full of reality. I've learned more about myself than I ever thought possible (isn't it funny how sometimes we think we've learned all there is to know about ourselves?). I've been up, down, inside out, a wreck, a joy-filled beauty, and all in all, by God's grace--still His daughter and friend.

Life is good.

As a writer, I journal often. Not enough, but more often than never. Sometimes I like to look back on my journal from the previous year and read the entry I wrote 365 days ago. I did that tonight, and found this...

First, context. I was living in Thailand, studying and working. If you've followed any of my journey from the last year, you understand what I was experiencing to a point (if not, go read the archives). In this particular journal entry from July 15, 2012, I was considering the men in my life and the men in the society around me...

It is moments like this when it seems next to impossible that there could be a man who walks worthy of his calling in Christ that could walk alongside of me. Though it is something I dearly want, I am almost past the point of praying for that man to come, because I feel more and more that it is more likely that I will walk solo on this journey. "Though none go with me, still I will follow". My life has been consecrated to Christ, and He is the one I will pursue -- no matter what.

Now, a year later, I sit with a ring on my left hand, having given my word to marry the man who has loved me almost as long as he has known me. In less than 6 months, Lord willing, I will be a married woman -- the wife of a man who does walk worthy of his calling in Christ. And I cry thinking about it--about the goodness of God that He would see fit to give me such a good gift. I am undeserving. Though I almost lost faith that God could provide a man to walk alongside of me--and for me to walk alongside of--He has still seen fit to grant the desire of my heart.

This line from the old hymn has been in my mind and heart all day long.... "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided."




Great is Thy faithfulness.

Today

 Today in chapel Kayla and I ended up praying together for Thailand... it was a beautiful time of desperate cries before the Lord on behalf of the people we both love. I've been melancholy and tired all day since then, missing it all and so longing to be able to give my life to seeing the Good News come to Thailand. All in good time, sweet Jules. Remember to find contentment in God's place for you today.

 Today is Bloomington, MN at -2 degrees F. Today is homework and diligence in the things that are necessary. Today is loving and listening through sadness and exhaustion. Today is a sore throat and hot tea to soothe it. Today is feeling God's heart for the people I love while away from them for a season. Today is new mercies and unfailing love. Today is good.