A Jar of Clay

I watched the bright orange sun fading into the western smoggy sky today as I drove home—wishing I were in a tall building somewhere to watch its decent, rather than driving and supposed to be paying attention to the road. I pondered the fact that I was watching the sunset while driving a motorbike in Thailand, and considered how unlikely it is that this is my reality. Little Julie—shy, stay by mommy's side little Julie—lives in Thailand, and works daily with prostitutes in the bars. It's not that now I'm adventurous and brave and some kind of super-person. Over the years I've grown and matured; I've changed from what I used to be into what I am now. But I still daily breathe a prayer for courage, and ask for help and wisdom. I don't know what I'm doing, I just follow One who does. That's all.

I still cry at night when I miss home. I miss the protection of my daddy. I would rather eat pasta than rice. I struggle. I fight. But I'm learning to count the cost of following my Jesus, and I'm finding that it is so sweet to just trust Him.

Tonight is quiet, and I'm quieting my heart as well. “Don't be afraid. Stand firm and see the Lord's salvation He will provide for you today... The Lord will fight for you. You must be quiet.” (Exodus 14:13,14)

Grey Hairs and Twitching Eyes

I can’t decide if I’m stressed or simply getting old, but whatever it is, symptoms are rapidly increasing! For the last two months I’ve been pulling out grey (actually, more like white) hairs weekly. You have to be kidding me, that at not quite twenty-three I’m already starting to go grey!? Not okay. And besides that, my left eye has been twitching on and off for more than a week now. That is usually a sign of stress for me, but I haven’t felt stressed in the usual way. Normally it’s when I have too much to do and not enough time to do it that a twitch becomes a normal part of my day or week.

This time around, I feel it is more emotional stress than anything which would bring about such a symptom. Daily battles against Satan’s lies and within my own heart have been wearing me down. When the battle in my heart increases, I don’t give the time and energy to fighting Satan, and then he starts to win. Something has to go… I’m just not entirely sure what, or how.

I need wisdom. And grace. And rest.

Being Present is Enough

One of the ways (out of the numberless ways) that this ministry in the red-light is challenging me is by teaching me to let my presence be enough for the Lord to use. I am a do-er. If I'm not physically doing something I feel like I'm doing nothing, and it is hard to feel used by the Lord in that case. If I am teaching a student, I feel like I'm doing something, and thus being used. What happens when a student calls you to let you know she is hung over after a night with a customer and won't be coming to her English lesson? Suddenly I have an hour and a half of free time, to be used in blessing other girls in the bars.

Today was such an instance, and I spent the time with my friend Faa, whom the Lord is giving me a heart of love for. Faa doesn't speak English, and I don't speak much Thai, so there isn't a whole lot of actual verbal communication that takes place among us, but I am learning that the Lord doesn't need words in order to touch people's hearts. Today as I sat with Faa, me wishing I could at least speak Thai so that we could converse, the Lord reminded me that He doesn't need me to DO anything except be there. We painted our nails together. We laughed at the silliness of our friend Bow. We pointed to our favorite flowers in a book I had. Some day I can buy Faa flowers--I know which ones she likes best now. :)

At the end of an hour and a half I didn't feel like I accomplished much, but perhaps I did. Perhaps the Holy Spirit through me was able to speak love to Faa's heart. Afterall, it was an hour and a half that Faa would have sat alone in the bar. Why not let my presence be the Spirit's presence in her life?

Tonight

The city was hazy today. It has not rained for too long; the air hung heavy with pollution. All day the sunshine was milky, and tonight as I drove home the city lights were muted. Even the outline of Doi Suthep, usually dark against the sky, was invisible, and the temple lights were dim--clouded. Only the stars, rising higher than the haze, shone as bright as ever, boasting in their height in the heavens.

Some nights I throw open my windows to gaze out over the sleeping city and revel in the beauty of the stars. On nights like this one, when all is still and silent, I know God loves me as lighted lanterns suddenly rise in the eastern sky, dancing in formation. I don't know what the occasion is, except that God knows how much I adore that sight and wanted to bless me.

It is enough.

TFD (Thai Fire Department)

It's been a while since I posted some interesting culture tid-bits, but a couple experiences that I had in the last 2 weeks reminded me that I do indeed live in Thailand, where they do things differently. :)

Have you ever walked home to find black smoke coming from behind your house? It's a little disconcerting. My friend Zach and I were walking home from lunch one Saturday afternoon to see just that, and when we walked around the townhouses we found the neighborhood "wilderness" to be ablaze, and quickly moving towards the houses. Because it is cold season, and therefore dry season as well, the tangled mess of plants behind our row of townhouses was perfect bonfire material. "Where are the marshmallows when I need them??" Our neighborhood guard was hard at work with fire extinguishers (but it appears that there were only three in the whole mubaan [reminder: we need to invest in one of those!]). A quick call to the fire department was made, and meanwhile the whole neighborhood began pouring out of their homes to help in any way... grab hoses, clear out flammable trash... (the wilderness had become a bit of a dump). In about 10 minutes the Thai fire department arrived -- all geared up and ready to..... oh wait. No. Sorry, let's try that again. No gear to be seen... on any of the firemen who jumped off the truck and ran out to stop the fire wearing flip flops... and smoking cigarettes. Yep, that's right. "Let me put out this fire while I take a smoke!" (it was later determined that it had been a tossed cigarette that started the fire in the first place). This is Thailand. The fire was eventually put out, and all was well. :)

Here's some photos I snapped on my phone to document the adventure.

That last one I took out my bedroom window. Later that week they ended up plowing the rest of the field to remove the fire hazard... so now instead of a wilderness we have a desert. I like those too. :)

More to come later!

Learning what Love Really Means

Last night was awesome in the red-light district. After seriously struggling for the last several days with the meaning of love and how to love, the Lord reminded me that I don't need to understand love, I just need to act. Just move, just speak, just smile, and He will do the work. God hasn't called me to understand, He has called me to ACT. With that knowledge, I went out into the bars with a renewed expectation that the Lord was going to love through me, and I think He did.

My teammate and I headed to a particular bar that the Lord had impressed on my heart. I had been there once before a couple weeks ago, but had not returned to talk with the girls I met there. We ended up spending the rest of the night with a girl who I'll call O -- 21 years old, beautiful, and such a sweetheart. I spoke to her as much as I could in Thai, but we mostly just played games and laughed together. I asked her if she liked working there -- her answer was no, and she looked sad. She didn't want to be there, and by the end of 2.5 hours you could tell by the look on her face that she was very glad and grateful that we had spent that time being her friend and regarding her as a valuable person rather than an object. I realized part way through the night that my heart was filled with love toward her. I wanted to take her away from the bar and just be her friend -- laugh with her, show interest in her heart and not just her beautiful body, have an adventure with her, go shopping with her -- let her live like a 21 year old girl should. And of course, introduce her to the One who can heal her heart -- my beautiful Jesus.

I think slowly I will learn what love really means.