I want you to get a glimpse inside my heart... so here is a journal entry from last night:
January 24, 2011
Praise the Lord that He is relentless in pursuing our hearts! Thank You, Jesus, that though I clothe myself with immorality You clothe me with righteousness. Thank You that You gently whisper "Go and sin no more" with immense tenderness, and are longing, waiting to pour out mercy. You are patiently waiting with a smile...
Julie, I just want to be merciful to you. I just want all of your heart. I just want you. I am only waiting for you to return to my open arms...
Why do I replace You so happily and easily with something so far inferior to the magnificent lover that You are? Why do I rush so quickly to a tangible love and neglect my Lover simply because I do not readily feel, see, and sense Your presence? Faith is the assurance of what is hoped for, the conviction of what is not seen (Heb. 11:6). How easily I forget to have faith. Turning to this present love is really nothing more than a lack of faith. It is a disbelief in the ability of God to satisfy my desires. It is an abandoning of trust in Him to be my all in all -- more than enough. Forgive me, Father. Give me a repentant heart, which remembers who You have called me to be, and walks out in that knowledge.
You have been putting all the pieces together over the last couple days, and I am finally seeing them. Today a friend stopped me at school to tell me he had been fasting and praying for me because he had a strong burden that he couldn't shake, and wanted to know if I was okay. I was, I told him, but then he said that God was jealous for me.
I know God is jealous for me... I've been ignoring His whispered pleas to return to His presence, but I am hearing them now....
There is never a day or moment that I can ever fully grasp the great depth of His patient love. He is the most gentle and steadfast love we will ever know. He is not harsh or cruel. When we remember His obedience to humble Himself even unto death, yes death on a cross, it gives us just a glimpse of what a wonderful saviour He is. There is no one like You, there has never been anyone like You...what a wonderful savior, what a wonderful God. Awaken us sweet love, so that we can proclaim your steadfast love. Thank you Jesus for being the lover of our souls, our Ezer Kenegdo.
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