{..........................}

I don't know how to describe the state I am in at the moment. So many thoughts... so many desires...

I trust you, Jesus, I trust You...

For two weeks now I have been tormented by memories that I thought I had forgotten. Off and on they have plagued my mind, coming unbidden into my thoughts, and have caused unwanted desires to well up in my heart. I have found contentedness in the Lord and in the season I am in, and these memories seek to draw me out of that and give me a restless, aching heart instead. I will not have it, but how do I fight it? I am under attack and in need of prayer.

Did the apostle Paul keep a journal?

I'm a missionary. And I don't feel like a missionary. Never in my life have I felt so unsure of myself, so unsure of my knowledge about God, so unsure of my purpose, so unsure of the words I speak and the things I do.... each moment I am walking blindly... and it is terrifying. At moments like these I want to know if the apostle Paul felt this way. He is my idea of a missionary... but surely he must have struggled as I am. He was under attack as I am. I wish I could read what went on in his thoughts, to know that I am not the only one feeling this way.

Here I go, back to the beginning...

I feel like I am relearning all that I have learned in the past. All the sanctification I thought had been achieved now appears to be lost as I struggle to love just once without thinking of myself. I am the queen of selfish thoughts, words, and actions. It is disgusting. My heart is so full of darkness.

Yet somehow He still loves me, and desires me, and calls me beautiful...

I can't understand this work of grace. I am entirely astounded, and confused. Why am I confused? I have known this God since I was a child. His favor has surrounded me like a shield. Why does it confuse me now?

God help me to understand what You have done and who You say I am. These things do not define me... You define me.

Redefine me, oh God.